tebtosca

It's a little more than two months since that initial meeting in Roché’s glittery boardroom and the custody case keeps chugging on. Jeff assures him that things like this take time, but Jared knows that until it is over and done with and Kat is securely and legally in his arms, he will always feel like there is a guillotine hanging over his neck. The thought alone keeps him from being totally secure about anything in his life.

Even Jensen.

Especially Jensen.

Jared sighs as he enters the steps of Kat’s elementary school on a blustery November morning. Today is Career Day and the kids are bringing in their parents for show-and-tell. Jared had gotten permission to bring Sadie in to play with the kids and help highlight the work he does with animals at the vet’s office. That was all well and good with Kat but there was no way anyone was going to talk her out of the idea that her best friend Chris had to come as well. After a personal plea to Miss Julie (including a color-coded diagram that Misha helped her draw explaining all the reasons why Chris was awesome and important to second graders) she had gotten permission to bring two people to Career Day. Jared had just smiled and felt proud at how tolerant and intelligent his kid had turned out to be. He couldn’t ask for much more than that (besides never, ever dating, not tattooing her face, and not becoming a naked agoraphobic.)

“Good morning, Miss Julie,” Kat beams at her teacher as she barges into her classroom. She goes over to her designated cubby to store her backpack and purple puffy jacket.

“Good morning, Kat. Are you excited about today?” Julie inquires, her smile bright on her porcelain-skinned face. She is beautiful and Jared sometimes wonders why being around her doesn’t make him feel, well, anything. She looks at him shyly sometimes and even though he knows it wouldn’t be a good idea to date his daughter’s teacher, he’s positive she would accept. And yet, the desire to do so is just not there.

“Yes, Miss Julie, I have the super coolest guests to show and tell and everyone is going to be jealous, so I’m very excited!” Kat grins and swirls around to jump up and high five Chris.

Julie’s vision follows the action and she looks a little startled when she sees Chris’ face. “Oh, hello there.”

Chris stifles a laugh and replies with that slow drawl of his. Jared envies the way nothing ever seems to faze the man, even when he knows the majority of the world is judging him on sight. “I’m Christian Kane, ma’am, but you can call me Chris. I’m roommates with this goofball here and I’ve heard great things about you.”

Julie seems taken aback at how polite Chris is and Jared can see her shaking off her own wrong first impression of the man. “Of course, you’re Chris! Kat never stops talking about you. I think her friend Mandy is mad that you seem to have sewn up best friend status.”

“Mandy says you can’t be my best friend because you are a boy and boys are gross. I told her you were a cat, not a boy,” Kat says and rolls her eyes like Mandy is a crazy person for suggesting such a thing.

“Boys are super gross, Kit-Kat. That is good, solid advice,” Jared insists as Julie laughs and gives him another shy look.

“Oh, this must be your dog!” Julie exclaims a moment later, bending down to pet Sadie, who has been patiently waiting behind Jared’s legs. Jared’s glad he didn’t bring Harley, who probably would have knocked poor Julie on her ass by now. That makes him think of the first time the dogs met Jensen, and how completely relaxed he had been at getting bulldozed by these giant monsters. Jared feels warm again and can’t look Julie completely in the eyes.

“This is Sadie, she’s the smart one, like me. Harley’s at home and he’s kind of dumb but nice, like Daddy,” Kat giggles and shoots her father a fake apologetic look.

“You better watch your tongue, young lady, or I’m gonna give you to Chris and Danneel,” Jared warns and the look of utter glee on her face makes him roll his eyes. “Well that plan backfired.”

Julie and Chris laugh and Sadie gives a little woof as Jared grabs up his daughter into a hug.

Jared is the first of Kat’s show-and-tell guests to go and the kids are in love with Sadie instantly. He knows he’s entertaining, although he prepares himself to be completely upstaged by Chris momentarily. Sure enough, after he exits the mini-staging area to a smattering of small people applause, Chris takes his place and a hush overtakes the room.

“See, I told you he was a cat!”

Kat’s manic squeal breaks the silence and suddenly all the kids start giggling and clapping enthusiastically. The only one who looks dejected is poor Mandy, who realizes any hopes for best friend status are forever shattered.

Jared leans against the back wall to watch Chris attempt to explain what a “high gauged needle” is to fourteen six-year-olds.

“You were great up there,” a male voice breaks into his reverie and Jared looks over at the person it belongs to. He’s tall and good looking, with tousled dark brown hair and green eyes.

Not as green as Jensen’s.

Jared shakes his head to clear it. “Thanks man. Hard to impress second graders, you know?”

“Tell me about it,” the man chuckles, before sticking out his hand. “Matt Cohen, Mandy’s dad. I think your daughter is breaking my kid’s heart."

Jared laughs quietly, trying not to draw attention away from Chris, although the rapturous looks from the audience makes him suspect it would take a nuclear bomb or an actual tiger to do that. “She shouldn’t feel bad, I think Kat loves Chris more than she loves me, so let her know I’m jealous too.”

Matt smiles at him and all Jared can think about is how his eyes don’t crinkle up in the corner when he does it.

“Sorry,” Jared pulls himself out of his thoughts. “I’m Jared, Jared Padalecki. Great to meet you.”

“So, Jared…I don’t want to be too forward or anything and I don’t usually do this, but would you like to have dinner with me sometime?” Matt asks him, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck.

Jensen does that when he’s nervous, Jared thinks, staring at Matt’s hand smoothing down the fine hair on the base of his skull.

Jared will never know why he doesn’t just say “sorry, I’m not gay.” His mouth goes to form the words but then he thinks of Jensen in the morning, sitting on the barstool in the kitchen in just boxers, creases from his pillow still lining his face, hair spiked in forty directions, coffee cup pressed to his lips like it holds the secret to life. He thinks of Jensen patiently explaining everything he’s doing to Kat as he builds a giant-sized dog house. He thinks of Jensen massaging his shoulders and letting him just vent after a particularly bad day at the office, when a 140 pound mastiff that looked a little too much like Harley got hit by a car and had to be put down when they couldn’t save him. He thinks about Jensen all the fucking time.

“I’m seeing someone, I’m sorry.”

Matt shrugs and gives a small smile. “It was worth a shot, right?”

Jared returns it, and it doesn’t feel that weird. “Definitely.”

++++++

Jared and Sandy had always tried to encourage Kat’s individuality, so when she came to them at three and a half and announced that she wanted to start celebrating her “half birthday” instead of her real birthday, they decided “why the hell not.” So here Jared is in the middle of November with a house full of little kids, Misha in a clown costume, and Chad Michael Murray trying to convince (Doctor, Jared discovered) Matt Cohen that handing out commemorative keychains that say “Suck it, Grim Reaper!” to his heart surgery patients is a great idea.

When Jared asked Jensen if they could have the party at the house, he could tell that Jensen was hesitant. As much as they managed to fit into the household, Jared knows that Jensen is still wary of outsiders. Jared doesn’t understand why though, considering how (god he hates this word now) normal Jensen seems to him. Jared knows that Jensen is holding something inside of himself though, although he chalks it up to insecurity over people’s judgment of his religion. He trusts Jensen in a way that he hasn’t trusted anyone in a long time, since probably Sandy. He’s only known the man a few months and yet there’s a part of him that feels like they’ve known each other their whole lives.

Jared’s watching Jensen brush Kat’s long hair out of her face as she stuffs her mouth with cake, a fond smile on his face as he looks at her. He seems to feel Jared staring at him and looks at him with the same expression. Jared returns the smile, his face heating up a bit.

“Now I totally get why you blew me off,” Matt chuckles from next to him.

“You got to learn to stop sneaking up on me,” Jared insists, but he does it with a grin to make sure he knows he’s just joking.

“I had to be stealthy to escape the blond guy. I’m hoping he’s still talking somewhere and hasn’t realized I snuck away yet,” Matt replies, looking over his shoulder with mock fear.

Jared laughs and just shakes his head at his best friend’s well meaning if disastrous schemes. “So, what did you mean before? About blowing you off?”

Matt looks over at Jensen knowingly. “Oh, you know. If that guy was my boyfriend I’d blow me off too.”

Jared blushes bright red and gulps down the suddenly excessive spit in his mouth. “Jensen? Oh, well Jensen’s not—“

Matt cuts him off. “Seriously, Jared, it’s cool. You don’t have to be shy about it. I mean, the guy looks at you like you discovered penicillin. Sorry, doctor analogy.”

Jared can’t help the way Matt’s words flow over him and make him ridiculously happy. He’s going to have to explore that little fact. “Jensen’s a great guy.”

Matt looks between Jared and Jensen again and nods a little. “Yeah, I guess he is. Don’t know whether I’m more jealous of you or him.”

Jared looks at him sharply and Matt holds up a hand to show he’s kidding. Jared knows he’s definitely going to have to explore that possessive streak that just flared through him.

Matt wanders off then and the rest of the party goes off without a hitch. The only scary moment is when he catches Gen biting Misha’s red clown nose in the downstairs bathroom. That will haunt his dreams for a while.

Kat is tucked into bed and the roommates have gone upstairs to their rooms as Jensen helps Jared clean up in the kitchen. They maintain a comfortable silence as they dispose of plastic cups and wash sticky cake-tinged fingerprints off of various dinnerware.

“Thanks for letting us have the party here,” Jared says quietly, stacking bowls in the dishwasher.

“It’s your house too, Jared. I’m just glad the kids had a good time.”

They’re silent again and the gentle whoosh of Jensen sticking his hands in soapy water to wash a stray mug somehow makes him brave.

“Jensen?”

“Yeah, Jared?”

Jared is kissing him then, his mouth pressed hotly against a stunned Jensen, who doesn’t react. Just as Jared is going to pull back and start apologizing profusely, the seam of Jensen’s mouth parts and his tongue is tangling itself wildly with Jared’s.

Jared moans and instinctively grabs onto Jensen’s hips, not doing anything more than squeezing them. Jensen twists his wet, soapy hands in Jared’s hair and huffs his name as he tries to pull Jared even farther into him.

It lasts what feels like an eternity but is probably mere seconds, when Jared feels Jensen’s erection against his thigh and pulls back with a gasp.

Jensen’s eyes are black with lust and his beautiful mouth is even plusher than usual. Then it seems to strike him why Jared pulled away from him and he struggles to hide his hurt expression.

“Jensen,” Jared starts, his voice rough.

“It’s okay, Jared. It’s okay, it’s no big deal,” Jensen clears his throat, turning away from him and back towards the sink. Jared can see a flush creeping up his neck and Jensen starts rubbing it nervously.

Jared steps up behind him and places his hands gently on Jensen’s hips. Jensen shivers in his grasp, just slight enough for Jared to feel like he imagined it. “Not yet, Jen. I’m telling you yes, but just not yet.”

Jensen seems to relax in his hold but doesn’t turn to face him. “Okay, not yet. I can live with not yet.”

Jared rests his forehead against the back of Jensen’s head before leaning down to brush a kiss against Jensen’s neck. “Thank you for everything, Jensen,” he breathes against Jensen’s pulse point.

Jared flees to his room before Jensen can turn around again.

“So,” Jensen starts, plopping himself down on the bar stool in the kitchen.

“So, indeed,” Danneel agrees, raising her eyebrows as she pours him a cup of French roast and slides the cup over the counter to him.

“Jared kissed me.”

“I know.”

Jensen eyes spring open way wider than is usual before his second cup of coffee.

Danneel snorts and Jensen thinks briefly that she’s been with Chris way too long. “See that coffee mug you’re holding?”

Jensen pauses and looks before sighing heavily when he remembers what he had been washing when Jared started the search for his tonsils last night. “So I guess you saw everything, huh?”

Danneel lets him stew for a moment as Jensen’s face gets redder before laughing evilly and shaking her head. “Nah, just the beginning of it, but it was enough to make pouring that coffee a good time, I’ll tell you that.”

Jensen’s blush remains but he laughs with her before pausing and thinking of the night before. A fond expression slides over his face and Danneel ruffles his bed head hair with her fingers.

“Want to tell me what happened next?” she asks lightly.

Jensen starts frowning then involuntarily. “He said he’s not ready yet. I said it was okay because, honestly, I get it. His wife died less than a year ago and he’s got his kid to think about and, well, he’s not gay, right? Or he might be gay and just didn’t realize it and, shit, we live together and that’s a whole other problem right there and, oh man, I’m going to fuck this one up before it even starts, aren’t I?”

His voice is suddenly panicky and Danneel comes around the side of the counter to wrap her arms around him in the tightest squeeze she can manage. “Do you like him?”

Jensen closes his eyes for a second, pictures Jared’s lips red from his kisses, his hands on Jensen’s hips. “Yeah, Danni, I do. So much.”

“Well then, you need to woo him,” she insists and he can feel her kewpie-doll dimpled smile against his ear.

Jensen snorts and, oh god, he’s been around Chris too long too. “Woo him? He’s not a Disney princess, Danneel, even if he does wear a lot of pink.”

Danneel slaps him on the back of the head and goes to the fridge to pull out some eggs. “He’s just a person who is liked by another person. It doesn’t make him a girl” --she makes scare quotes and rolls her eyes-- “to have the person who likes him show him how much.”

Jensen narrows his eyes and looks at her, contemplating what she just said. “Are you going to make me an omelet?”

She pours him another cup of coffee and practically fondles his mug. She blinks a little as she sees whatever the hell she is seeing and smiles like a cat. “You going to woo your man?”

“If I say yes will you stop living vicariously through my coffee mug?”

“I might stop for the moment but I have no way of knowing what I’ll do once you’re out of the room.”

“Fair enough,” Jensen laughs and throws a dish rag at her as she grins and goes back to cracking eggs.

+++++

So Jensen decides to woo Jared.

He doesn’t know what that means exactly, which is probably for the best, because being conscious of what he’s doing would probably make him even more nervous than he already is. He just starts…showing up. Being where Jared is and in his space. Jensen worries that it’s going to be too much, but Jared just smiles that stupid smile and lets their shoulders or thighs touch and Jensen realizes that maybe what they’re doing is okay.

Jensen uses his day off a few weeks after the kiss to meet Jared when he gets off the early shift in the late afternoon. He convinced Danneel (the world’s best co-conspirator) to pick up Kat from her after school care and is waiting for Jared when he stumbles out of the vet’s office, still in just a hoodie even though it’s late November. Jared looks at him strangely, but the hint of dimples is there so Jensen just grabs him by the hand and drags him off for coffee at a nearby café.

Jared's worked in Astoria for years but has never been to the Moving Images Museum so Jensen insists they have to go and take advantage of the free admission after 4pm on Fridays. It takes Jared a half-second look at the original Chewbacca mask before he is leaning into Jensen’s side and looking at him like he wants to nuzzle him. Jensen can’t remember ever wearing a sillier grin. Then Jared leans in and presses a chaste kiss to the corner of that grin and it gets even sillier.

A week later, in the early flush of December, Jensen decides to be as corny as he possibly can be and asks Jared if he wants to go ice skating at Rockefeller Center to see the Christmas tree. Kat happens to be coming into the kitchen to ask for a late night glass of water and nearly throws herself at Jensen’s legs at the very suggestion.

“So, I think that’s a yes,” Jared laughs and Jensen scoops Kat up in his arms before laughing along with him.

The only problem with his plan, Jensen thinks as he wobbles around the edge of The Rink the next evening, is that he hasn’t been ice skating since the early days in New York when Gen was still doing performance art for Tisch credits and decided that doing an unrehearsed and barefooted interpretive dance in circles around him and Danneel was part of her “vision.” The parents of the eight-year-olds around them didn’t appreciate it nearly as much as Misha, who hadn’t yet decided his life’s goal was to sit in his house and talk to his penis while filling vitamin orders for hippies in the Northwest.

“You kinda suck at this, don’t you?” Jared smirks and leans back against the railing underneath the gold Prometheus statue.

“Hey, you suck too!” Jensen pouts, clutching on to the railing for dear life as his ankles threaten to give out.

Jared barks out a laugh and nods easily. “I can’t disagree with you on that one. “

“Kat’s a little ice princess though,” Jensen says, as he gestures towards her skating happily in circles a few feet in front of them. Her cheeks are pink from the cold and she looks as happy as Jensen has seen her since she and Jared moved in.

Jared swallows hard and Jensen’s attention is drawn back to his face. “Yeah, Sandy took skating lessons for years when she was young. She taught Kat how when she was real little. We used to come out here every year to see the tree.”

Jensen’s entire face flushes and he is suddenly mortified. “Jared, I’m so sorry. If I had known, I wouldn’t have asked you to come.”

Jared looks surprised for a minute until he realizes what Jensen is saying. “Oh, no, Jensen, seriously, it’s fine. Those memories are happy ones. I think it’s good for Kat and I to keep up with tradition.”

“Even if it’s not exactly the same?” Jensen asks, his voice suddenly low and weighted.

Jared turns his body into his. “Just because things aren’t the same, doesn’t mean they can’t be just as good.” Jared closes his eyes for a second and leans in to whisper in Jensen’s ear. “Or better.”

Kat skates over to them then and grabs a startled Jensen’s hand, pulling him farther out onto the ice.

“C’mon, Jensen, I’ll show you how, it’s easy!” she sing-songs, dropping his hand and skating in circles around him as he tries to not fall on his ass.

“Yeah, Jen, it’s easy!” Jared hollers at them and Jensen shoots him what he hopes is his most withering stare. Jared just grins back at him and Jensen almost falls over from the force of the dimplage.

Jensen manages to stay up for the next half hour and Jared gets his comeuppance by falling at least twice on his (perfect) backside as Jensen and Kat laugh with schadenfreude. Afterwards, they drink hot chocolate from a nearby cart before they take in the sixty-five foot Norway Spruce lighting up the entire block. Jared has Kat in one arm, her head tucked against his neck, and his other arm snakes around Jensen’s waist, pulling him close. Jensen looks up and his eyes meet Jared’s and as sappy as it is, there is a moment that even Disney couldn’t do justice to. Jared smiles at him softly and Jensen doesn’t even feel the cold.

After that night it’s like the floodgates are opened.

Suddenly it’s stolen kisses in the hallway after tucking Kat into bed. Hands that don’t go beneath clothing but groins that press against each other through denim like magnets. Waiting and wanting. Jared enjoys the tension and wonders if the anticipation is almost better than any of the real acts themselves.

He finds how ridiculous that thought is as he’s getting out of the shower one Tuesday evening. He’s standing there buck naked, water still dripping from his torso as he runs a towel through his shaggy hair. He feels a fully-clothed body pressed up against his back and gasps as he realizes who it is.

“Let me, okay, just let me, please,” Jensen whispers hotly in his ear and all Jared can bring himself to do is meet his eyes in the mirror and give a small nod.

Jensen drops to his knees immediately and turns Jared around to face him. Jared’s cock goes from interested to hell yes in 0.2 seconds.

Everything in Jared’s world goes suddenly still as he looks down at Jensen on his knees for him. Jensen looks up at him through his lashes, one hand curled loosely around Jared’s cock, which is just an inch away from that hot mouth. He’s asking Jared for permission, one last time, and Jared stutters out a “do it” while releasing any last doubts about his newly recognized homosexuality.

Jensen’s tongue licks a path up the underside of Jared’s cock, its tantalizing slowness counteracting the almost frantic tension spinning around them. He flattens it when he gets towards the crown, before taking just the head between his lips and sucking hard. Suddenly, he takes Jared about halfway down in one sharp move, before trailing back up slowly and continuing the sucking motion. He repeats this enough times that when on the next trip down he takes Jared flush against the back of his throat, Jared’s knees almost give out.

“Jensen, oh god, Jen,” Jared covers his mouth with the wet towel to stifle his moans.

Saliva is dripping down the sides of Jensen’s mouth and Jared wants to die at how hot he looks. Jared is a proportional guy and the fact that Jensen can deep-throat him is making him shake all over. Sandy, as much as she tried, could barely get halfway down and her hands were tiny and smooth. Jensen’s hands, however, are big and calloused and nerve endings Jared didn’t even know he had are firing off frantically.

“Fuck my face, Jared, come on, I need it,” Jensen groans around his dick and that almost makes Jared come by itself. He grabs Jared’s hands and curls them into his hair, giving him explicit permission to use his mouth any way he needs to.

Clenching the towel between his teeth, he grasps the sides of Jensen’s head and takes what he’s offering. His thrusts become frantic and Jared doesn’t even recognize himself as he forces his cock as deeply as Jensen can take and then some. He doesn’t even bother warning Jensen before coming deep down his throat. Jensen just suckles him clean, come and spit spilling out of the corners of his mouth. He uses his fingers to push anything he missed back into his mouth and looks up at Jared, completely debauched.

“Do you…should I?” Jared mumbles, words failing him. The towel drops to the floor.

Jensen stands up and takes Jared’s hand to press against his own crotch, where the denim is wet from his orgasm. “No need,” he murmurs, kissing Jared with lips that taste of his own come and leaving the bathroom as quickly as he appeared.

++++++

Jared pushes the mute button first. Just in case. For some reason the thought of Jensen hearing what he’s about to do, just knowing what inspired it, is enough to both harden Jared’s dick and make him flush red with humiliation.

It doesn’t matter that not three days earlier Jensen had Jared’s dick halfway down his throat. Well, maybe that does matter. Maybe that’s half the reason that Jared’s laptop is loaded up (but muted, thank god) on a suspiciously gaudy-looking gay porn site.

Jared sits on his bed and looks around with only a slightly frantic air at his preparations. Laptop mounted on a wooden tray usually used for eating food in bed, and fuck if that isn’t kind of twisted. Comforter strewn across the floor, to avoid having to wash it in case things get...messy. Unopened tube of K-Y, the little “Gelée” on the front glaring at him all twee and French.

Jared gulps.

He doesn’t know exactly why he bought that. He’s always just used spit to jack off or, back in the day, papaya-scented lotion that reminded him of Sandy’s shampoo. The first time he tried using that after she died he ended up crying for fifteen minutes with one hand around his limp dick and the other covering his mouth so Kat wouldn’t hear.

He shoves the lube under his pillow and tries to ignore it. Before he loses his courage, he starts scrolling through the videos on the site. An ad with a tanned, pillow-lipped teenager (oh shit) with a completely shaved body pops up and Jared is so startled he almost falls off the bed. Thank god for the mute button because it looks like the guy is mouthing utterly filthy things as he rubs his hairless cock.

Jared clicks the “amateur” tab and calms a little as the ad disappears. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for exactly, as he clicks page two and keeps bypassing all the videos he’s barely glancing at. Finally, on page four, and just when he’s going to slam the laptop shut and go to sleep, he sees a freeze frame of a guy in profile with broad shoulders, spiky dirty blond hair, and a perfect nose. He clicks it before he knows what he’s doing and it starts wordlessly.

Jared glances at the title—“Hot Frat Boy’s First Ass Pounding!”—and wishes he hadn’t as he cringes a little. But then he glances back at the screen and for a moment, with the dark lighting and the lack of sound, the figure on the screen could be Jensen’s doppelganger. The man runs his hand lightly over the thigh of someone offscreen, fingers prickling the smattering of hair, nails dragging up towards the other man’s slowly unveiled balls. The fake-Jensen takes the hidden man’s balls in his hand and rolls them gently around before leaning down to kiss them. One kiss, just a peck, that he then repeats over and over again until the entire landscape of silken flesh is ordained and they pull tight with lust. Fake-Jensen doesn’t look at the camera, just at the hidden face of his lover as he lowers himself down and licks a stripe along the bottom side of the dick in front of him.

Jared’s so fucking hard he can barely manage to get the elastic of his boxers over his cock. He doesn’t touch himself yet, though, just sits there with only the light of the computer, watching someone mimic what the person on the other side of the wall gave him not three days prior.

The fake-Jensen is moving down now, his perfect nose tracing an Eskimo kiss to the other man’s balls as his tongue flicks languidly against the man’s hole.

Jared bites his bottom lip as fake-Jensen pries the small opening with only the tip of his tongue, his hands grasping at the man’s thighs to hold them open for him. By the time the entire muscle pushes inside and half of fake-Jensen’s profile is lost between the V of the man’s legs, Jared is stroking himself, hand dry and slightly painful.

The other man finally enters the frame and he is mumbling muted words as he thrusts his hips up into the fake-Jensen’s face. The man’s face is red and he’s sweating, and Jared can feel his own sweat pool at his temples as he pulls the K-Y out from under the pillow and slathers his fingers without thinking.

The fake-Jensen is sitting up now and his face is covered in spit. He sucks his fingers into his own mouth and then brings them back to his lover’s ass to replace where his tongue had just been. Jared presses his lips together as he mimics him without thinking, sliding his own index fingers along his perineum and then pressing the tip inside his hole. Jared gasps a little as he gets all the way to the second knuckle and then adds a second finger without hesitation as the Fake-Jensen does the same thing to the other man on the computer screen.

Jared falls into the same rhythm as the fake-Jensen, plunging in when he does, twisting when he twists. He hits what he figures is his prostate and can’t help crying out a little bit just as the other man does the same.

But then Jared closes his eyes and throws his head back against his pillow. The fingers of one hand keep stroking in and out frantically, but the other hand now rises to his lips and slips inside his mouth. He pictures the real Jensen on his knees, Jared’s cock hot against his tongue. He pictures the reverse, him on his knees for Jensen , how the weight of his dick would feel, how heavy, how warm. Jared starts twirling his tongue around his three of his fingers then, imaging they were Jensen’s cock. He forgets the video altogether as he fingers himself from both ends, his mind full of Jensen, his body wanting to be full of Jensen.

He comes all over himself without even touching his dick the minute he remembers how Jensen whispered “please” with such desperation.

His hands pull free instantly and fall to the side of him as Jared breathes heavy and tilts his head back to stare at the wall separating them.

Jensen has never been in love before. He has spent half his life hiding what he is from the world, even when he consciously draws on his powers. His job as a massage therapist, while involving interaction with many different people, allows him to be silent and wallow in low light and soft music. It is social interaction without the social aspect. He uses his hands to make people feel better and more relaxed, but it is safe and shielded.

While none of his roommates are exactly like him, they are all outsiders in some (pretty extreme) way. They understand him and respect him for who and what he is, and for that he will be forever grateful. He’s had boyfriends before, but he tries to wall his emotions away so that he never has to get close enough to explain what it means to be born a freak of nature.

Then he met Jared.

Jensen doesn’t know how he fell so hard for Jared, but he has and although it should terrify him, it only fills him with this feeling of endless joy and hope. For the first time since his parents died, Jensen doesn’t want to be alone.

The entire group is gathered in the living room on December 24th. They decided to have a joint Christmas/Winter Solstice celebration this year but Kat insisted they had to have a tree.

“Why do you have to have an angel on top? What did an angel ever do for you, little Miss Katherine?” Misha insists from his spot on his recliner.

“Yeah, angels are creepy,” Gen murmurs, curled into his side snugly.

“She has pretty hair, duh,” Kat responds and even Jensen has to agree with her on that one.

“Well if that’s all it takes, then we should put your father on top of the tree instead,” Misha smirks as Jared shoots him his best menacing look.

Kat yawns then and Jared sits up from his spot on the couch to usher her towards bed.

“Can Jensen tuck me in tonight, Daddy?” she asks, peering over at Jensen.

Jared shoots him an inquiring look and Jensen just shrugs. “Sure, Kat, I’ll tuck you in.”

He lifts her up into her canopy bed once they’re inside her room and pulls the down comforter over her. She’s already in her usual Thundercats pajamas with brushed teeth and combed hair. Jensen is struck by how beautiful she is, with her big brown eyes and chubby dimpled cheeks. He feels an affection for her that he didn’t quite know he could feel, and he knows part of it is the undercurrent of power he feels simmering within her. He hopes that he can help her one day if it ever decides to show itself.

“Want me to read you a story, Kat?” Jensen asks, climbing into bed next to her and tucking her into his side.

“Can we just talk for a second?” she asks, snuggling close to his chest.

“Of course, honey, what do you want to talk about?”

“Chris makes Danni really happy, right Jensen?” she starts, looking at him for an answer.

He nods slowly. “Yeah he sure does, and Danni makes Chris happy too.”

“Yeah, of course she does,” Kat agrees and keeps going. “And Misha and Gen make each other happy, even if they show it in a weird way.”

Jensen laughs softly. “Yeah, they can be weird sometimes, but they do make each other happy.”

“Can you make my Daddy happy like that, Jensen?”

He breath catches in his throat for a second and he swallows hard. “What makes you think he’s not happy already? He’s got you and you make him very happy.”

Kat looks up at him with solemn eyes that are too old for her. “Daddy’s always been sad. Even when Mommy was alive. “

He brushes a hand down her chestnut hair, breathing in the scent of Johnson & Johnson shampoo. “What makes you think that I can make him happy, Kat?”

She smiles then, a twisty little one. “You already do, Jensen.“

Jensen just stops the tear that wants to leave his eye. “Okay, Kat, I’ll try to make him very happy.”

She lets out a content little noise before snuggling into her pillow. “Thanks, Jenny.”

“Thank you, Miss Kitty,” he replies, kissing her on the forehead and turning off her light before heading out of her room.

Jared is hovering in the hallway, halfway between Kat’s room and his own. He looks a little unsure and Jensen goes over to reassure him. He wraps an arm around Jared’s waist and leans up for a kiss.

“I want you to spend the night with me tonight, Jared,” Jensen whispers against his lips.

Jared looks a little surprised. They haven’t done much more than that frantic post-shower blowjob and have definitely not actually slept together. “But Kat….”

Jensen grins. “Trust me, Kat won’t mind.”

Jared looks at his coy expression and returns the smile before looking nervous again. “Are you sure? This is…a big deal.”

“Jared Padalecki, if you don’t fuck me tonight then you aren’t getting any of your presents tomorrow,” Jensen growls against his lips, his arms wrapping around him and his dick bumping his like a threat and a promise.

Jared fucking swallows again and Jensen wants to suck on his Adam’s apple.

“Yeah, yeah okay. I can definitely do that,” Jared mumbles, reaching down to clutch Jensen’s ass with those big hands.

They have to wait another two excruciating hours before everyone heads off to bed and by that time the anticipation is almost unbearable. They decide to stay in Jared’s (locked) bedroom just in case Kat wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for him. When they finally tumble into the room it’s like a dam has broken and they start pulling articles of clothing off like they are on fire. Within a minute they are tumbling down onto Jared’s California King, their naked bodies tangled up together. They kiss frantically for long minutes before Jensen pulls back to catch his breath.

“Hey, slow down, we have all night,” Jensen whispers, stroking a hand down Jared’s cheek, which flushes lightly at the words.

“Sorry, I’m just nervous,” Jared responds, pressing his face into Jensen’s neck and kissing the underside of his ear gently.

Jensen smoothes his hands down Jared’s back, feeling the tension in his muscles release instantly. “It’s okay, it’s just me.”

Jared brushes his mouth with his own and chuckles. “Yeah, exactly, that’s why I’m nervous.”

Jensen shushes him by rolling his tongue into his mouth. Before long they are sharing the same air as their tongues tangle together like one single muscle.

“How do…” Jared mumbles after another moment and Jensen realizes what he’s asking.

“I’ll bottom this time. It’ll be easier for you since it’s your first time,” Jensen insists and sees a mixture of relief, lust, and slight disappointment all flicker across Jared’s gaze.

“You sure?” Jared asks, trying to keep his voice steady.

Jensen bites down on Jared’s lower lip and wraps his leg over his hip. “Don’t worry, I’ll fuck you next time, you can count on that.”

Jared makes what can only be described as a whimper and Jensen laughs before wrapping his arms around him and pulling him against his body into a slow grind. Jared’s cock is hard and red and dripping precome across his belly and Jensen revels in the fact that he’s going to have that inside of him soon.

“Do you have any stuff?” Jensen asks, glancing over at Jared’s nightstand. Jared looks a little startled, but reaches over to grab a half-full tube of K-Y out of the drawer. Jensen raises an amused eyebrow and Jared blushes.

“I might have started watching some gay porn. You know, just to see. And I maybe experimented a little bit,” Jared mumbles quickly, the words jumbling together.

“Fuck,” Jensen groans, pressing a palm down on his own excited cock so that he won’t come at just the thought of Jared fingering himself while watching, hopefully thinking about him.

“I was thinking about you every time,” Jared confirms, bending down to bite at Jensen’s nipples.

“Oh god, Jared, you’re gonna make me come,” Jensen laughs breathlessly, arching into Jared’s mouth and twisting his hips so his cock brushes Jared’s.

Even though it’s counterproductive to the whole not-coming thing, Jensen takes the tube of lube out of Jared’s hand and squeezes some onto his own fingers. Using one hand to fist in Jared’s hair, he uses the other to reach back and start rubbing against his own entrance.

“Jensen,” Jared gasps, trying to look down at what Jensen is doing, but Jensen’s hand in his hair is holding his gaze locked on his face.

“I’ve wanted you since the moment I first opened the door, Jared,” Jensen admits, sliding one finger inside himself and then another. He breathes against Jared’s mouth as he fucks himself down on his fingers and Jared looks frantic with lust.

“Let me Jensen, I need to touch you so fucking bad.”

Jensen nods quickly in agreement and Jared squeezes more of the gel over his fingers and slides his hand down Jensen’s ass to join the two already in him. Jensen keeps pumping himself and lets Jared’s middle and index finger join them until they are fucking practically a whole hand into his ass. The sounds of squelching and the mingled panting fill the room and it’s intoxicating.

Pain has always been a transient thing in Jensen’s life, his body healing itself before it gets a real chance to feel it. But right now all he wants is to be able to feel the pain and have it last. To wake up in Jared’s bed with Jared’s bruises on his skin, with an ache in his ass that Jared put there. He knows it’s a futile wish, that in the morning he’ll wake up with a body as unblemished as a newborn’s, but oh how he wants to feel every single part of it in this moment.

“I’m ready, Jared, come on, fuck me, please,” Jensen pleads, pulling his fingers out and clutching Jared’s biceps.

Jared looks stunned for a moment before looking back at his nightstand and cursing. “Um, I don’t have any. Shit. I’ve only ever been with Sandy, I don’t have anything, I swear.”

Jensen realizes he’s talking about condoms and almost laughs. How do you tell someone that you’ve never had so much as a cold in your entire life, much less an STD? That your body has the magical skill to heal itself beyond the comprehension of a mere immune system? He decides to bypass that part.

Jensen puts his mouth directly next to Jared’s ear and tells him exactly what he wants in a low, lust-filled voice. “Jared, I want you to fuck me as hard as you can and then when your come is dripping down my thighs I want you to roll me over and use it as lube to fuck me again.”

The he pushes Jared down and climbs on top of him, sliding down on his cock in one smooth motion until Jared’s seated completely inside of him.

They groan in unison and Jensen feels like he’s going to die in the best possible fucking way.

“Jensen, fuck,” Jared hisses, clutching Jensen’s hips in a way that on anyone else would leave marks. Jensen drops his hands down on Jared’s chest, sliding in the sweat, and uses his fingers like claws to anchor himself enough to start riding him for real.

Jared soon gets with the program and plants his feet on the bed so he can thrust up every time Jensen is on the down stroke. Jensen angles himself just right for Jared to hit his prostate nearly every time and he throws his head back in rapturous abandon.

“Oh god, Jensen, I’m gonna,” Jared gasps, taking one hand off one hip to wrap around Jensen’s painfully red cock.

“Yeah, Jared, go ahead, come inside me, come on, I want it,” Jensen grits out, feeling his own orgasm bubble up his pelvis before he comes all over Jared’s hand and chest. His muscles squeeze and flutter around Jared’s dick and with a groan he just manages to stifle, Jared comes deep inside Jensen’s ass.

Jensen collapses onto Jared’s chest and they pant in unison for long seconds before Jared rolls him over and growls into his mouth. “You remember what you said, right?”

Jensen feels Jared’s cock inexplicably start to fill again while still inside him. The way is slick with lube and come and the glide is smooth yet stinging. “Yeah, fuck Jared, I knew you be good at this gay sex thing.”

Jared laughs happily into his mouth before slamming his dick as deep inside Jensen as he can possibly go and grinding down. He catches Jensen’s moans with his lips before he wakes the whole house.

“You gotta be more quiet,” Jared says with a feral grin as he pulls up and starts fingering where they are connected. Jensen’s ass is stretched bright pink and taut around his cock and as he slowly pushes in and out he sees thick white come dribbling down the sides.

“God Jensen, you are so fucking hot,” Jared breathes, sliding his finger past the tight muscle and alongside his dick, in and out.

Jensen grunts, but pushes back on it desperately.

“Yeah, that’s right, you can take it, fuck,” Jared says in awe, slipping in a second finger and pressing up on Jensen’s prostate as he fucks him in shallow thrusts.

It should hurt, goddamn it, it should, but nothing but shocky pleasure washes over Jensen as he comes across his belly for the second time. His ass clutches tightly around the mixture of Jared’s cock and fingers, and Jared can just barely get the fingers out before he drops his full body weight onto Jensen and fucks him brutally with absolutely no rhythm until he shoots a second load of come inside his body.

Jared rolls off Jensen before he crushes him, but pulls him tight to his body. “Guess the gay porn worked,” he laughs.

Jensen’s brain refuses to catch up so he just mumbles “erm, um” and snuggles as close to Jared as physically possible.

“Jensen,” Jared says, before pausing.

The fuzz is Jensen’s brain clears a bit. “Yeah, Jared?”

Jared reaches down to kiss Jensen’s forehead. “Nothing, just…thanks.”

Jensen thinks he wants to say more. Thinks he wants to say what Jensen wants to say. But he doesn’t say it and it’s okay. Tonight they have this and this is enough.

Jensen smiles against the curve of Jared’s neck.

PART FOUR