tebtosca | FIC: Grab Yourself an Alibi (Jared/Jensen, Danneel/Genevieve PG-13)

Title: Grab Yourself an Alibi
Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Danneel/Genevieve
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2500
Summary: Convincing your best friends that they are perfect for each other is a tough job, but someone has to do it. Along the way, Jared and Jensen find out a little something about themselves.

Author's Notes: Written for the birthday of my awesome, adorable, talented friend

ldyghst! Hope you have a fabulous day...even though we're going to spend it watching "Camp Rock" as ~research :D

Thanks to

fiercelynormal for the amazing banner and

dugindeep for the super-speedy beta!

“She’s so cute, right?” Danneel mumbles, blushing almost violently as she looks over at the counter with goo-goo eyes.

“Yes, definitely cute. If you like boobs,” Jensen nods, trying his hardest not to laugh.

“Oh, I love boobs,” Danneel keeps staring dreamily.

“I love your boobs.”

“Only that one time and that was because we were drunk.”

“But what a magnificent two and a half minutes those were.”

That gets Danneel’s eyes off the tiny chick selling lattes, but only long enough to smack Jensen across the head. Jensen ducks away and laughs, just loudly enough for Pixie Barista to look up from the change she’s counting.

Danneel sees her looking and tries to pull her purse up to hide her face. Unfortunately, it’s one of those cute little clutches and just about manages to hide one dimpled cheek.

“Oh my god, she’s looking at me,” Danneel hisses from behind the clutch. Her eyes are wide with thinly veiled hysteria.

“Maybe that’s a good thing,” Jensen stage-whispers, glancing back at Pixie Barista, who is curling one strand of long dark hair around one finger in what looks to be a nervous manner. She’s pretty obviously trying not to look over at them but Jensen is amused to find she’s failing miserably.

“Oh my god, look at her smooshy face, all smooshed up and smooshish like that” Danneel insists, finally dropping the clutch but talking out of the side of her mouth in what Jensen thinks is supposed to be a display of subtlety . Instead, makes her look like she just had a minor stroke.

“I don’t know, her face looks pretty smooth to me. Not smoosh-like at all,” Jensen deadpans, nearly choking on his muffin when Danneel balls up a handful of 100% recycled napkins and aims it right at his forehead.

“You used to have dignity,” he says mournfully.

“Dignity won’t get you laid,” Danneel retorts, taking a sip of her skinny half-caff latte and pretending like she’s not still watching Pixie Barista out of the corner of her eye.

“Neither will sitting in the corner throwing things at me instead of talking to the miniature girl of your dreams,” Jensen points out, cocking an eyebrow at his best friend.

Danneel flails her arms in the air, bangle bracelets jangling wildly. “God, Jen, you know how much of a mess I was after the Sandy thing. ‘Broken shell of a human being’, ring a bell? They were your words.”

Oops. Jensen does feel a little bit bad about that one. Of course, Danneel had been acting utterly ridiculous and had eaten all of Jensen’s Cherry Garcia. Dude, c’mon. “Danni, that was six months ago. You are the hottest broken shell in this entire city. State even. Wasting all of that hotness is a crime. And the boobs! Think about how badly your boobs are going to waste by just hanging out with me.”

Danneel giggles at that and Jensen grins. “I am pretty hot,” she admits begrudgingly.

“There you go, that’s the spirit! Now be a trooper and go make that smooshy little pixie agree to fondle you. Or something.” Jensen makes a face. “But don’t tell me about it because, ew, girls.”

Danneel hits him with her purse. “SorryJengottagociao!”

“Coward!” Jensen mutters as Danneel runs out of the café like she’s being chased by wild boar. He looks over at Pixie Barista, who is staring after Danneel’s departing backside longingly.

With a sigh, Jensen realizes he’s going to have to do everything his damn self. As usual.

Jensen returns to the café solo the next day, on a mission. Pixie Barista is ringing up people, smile wide and open, and Jensen thinks for a second that Danneel needs someone free like this. Jensen has known Danneel since they were in diapers and, as awesome as she is, he also knows that she can be a hot mess half the time. Maybe an adorable little woodland creature will do her some good.

The hipster in front of him in line finishes ordering his organic tea spiked with soy and shuffles off just as Jensen slides up to the counter with his best charming grin. No one can resist the charming grin. “So, hey—“

Pixie Barista squeaks and takes off running towards the back room. Jensen frowns; maybe he misjudged this particular adorable little woodland creature.

Before Jensen can even turn to leave, however, a gigantic mountain of a man walks out to take her place. Jensen stares up at him dumbly, eyes not knowing whether to fixate on the Grand Canyon-deep dimples or the way the shaggy bangs hang in Mountain Man’s eyes. Or the shoulders. Yeah, the shoulders are pretty nice too.

Mountain Man saves Jensen from having to re-learn the power of speech by starting first. “Sorry about Gen. She’s a little…” He pauses. Winces a teeny tiny bit. “Shy?”

“And smooshy,” Jensen says without thinking, before snapping his traitorous mouth closed again. He feels himself blushing and curses his ancestors yet again for his pale skin.

Mountain Man guffaws, and it shakes his ridiculously wide shoulders in a way that makes Jensen want to reach out and grab them. After crawling into his lap and licking his face like a shih-tzu.

“I don’t know if Gen’s ever gotten that one before, but I’ll assume it’s a good thing,” Mountain Man grins at him, running his (holy fucking huge) fingers absently along the countertop.

This is not supposed to happen. Jensen is on a mission! He can’t let himself be distracted by huge fingers and football player shoulders and long smooth necks and a slash of pink lips and…

Jensen gulps.

“I gotta go!” he says hurriedly, before letting the wild boar chase him right out the door as well.

Jensen returns the next day because he’s not only a good friend but obviously a horny masochist as well. He grabs himself a table in the corner, slinging his coat on a chair to save it as he gathers up the courage to go do his duty to his best friend and try to keep Pixi—Gen—from fleeing at the first sight of him.

Too late, he thinks, watching her hair fly behind her in the rush to get away from him.

“ Seriously?” he mumbles to himself incredulously, pressing both palms to the counter and taking a deep breath. This is the last time he plays matchmaker for lesbians because, really now.

“Can I tell you a secret?” a low, amused voice breaks through his reverie. Jensen stiffens.

“You aren’t really a lumberjack in your spare time?” Jensen answers without thinking, and he really needs to stop doing things like this because he’s about twenty seconds away from throwing himself into traffic.

That damn guffaw again. “Oh god no. I’m such a klutz I’d probably take off an arm and that would totally ruin my jump shot.”

It’s a physical impossibility for Jensen not to smile at that. “Tell me your secret then.”

Mountain Man starts biting his lip, and Jensen thinks he’s trying to hold back one of those hey-sun-you-better-just-step-back-because-I-am-brighter-then-you grins of his. “Gen has the biggest crush on your girlfriend. She’s terrified to talk to you because she feels guilty for wanting to mack on your girl.”

“My what?” Jensen sputters, staring at Mountain Man like he has two heads. Why would anyone think Danneel was his girlfriend? Seriously, she hits him with her purse constantly-- that would makes theirs the most abusive relationship he’s had since eighth grade when Mike Rosenbaum would throw dodgeballs at his head to show him he cared.

Mountain Man’s smile dims a bit, and Jensen doesn’t like that one bit. “Your girlfriend? With the boobs?” He seems to realize what he just said and now it’s Mountain Man’s turn to blush. “Oh fuck, man, I’m so sorry I just said that.”

Jensen lets him stew for a minute, taking a tiny bit of revenge for him making Jensen so crazy with the shoulders and the fingers and such. Then he laughs and breaks the tension. “That’s okay, her boobs are awesome."

Jensen swears that Mountain Man looks a tiny bit disappointed and he can’t decide if there’s a hint of jealousy in it. Jensen puts him out of his misery regardless. “No, I’m just kidding! Well, not about the boobs because, hello, but Danneel is most definitely not my girlfriend. Best friend, yes, but I’m not really into lady parts if you know what I mean.”

Jensen figures it’s time to bust out the charming grin, and if the way Mountain Man practically glows is any indication, it seems to work.

Mountain Man coughs to cover up how hard he’s grinning in return. “So, my best friend is totally hot for your best friend. Assuming that your best friend is into lady parts, as you say, then maybe we should help them along a bit?”

Oh yeah, Jensen can work with this. He thrusts his hand across the counter. “Jensen.”

Mountain Man shakes it, thumb moving across Jensen’s wrist in a completely unnecessary and utterly hot way before he pulls it back. “Jared.”

“So Jared,” Jensen repeats, loving the feel of the name on his tongue. “What’s the plan?”

The plan consists of Jensen managing to get Danneel to a party Jared and Gen will be hosting in their brand new apartment the following Saturday night. Since Danneel has never seen Jared at the café before (considering that Gen prefers to take the register for guilty gazing every time Danneel walks through the door), they figure that getting the girls together without their prior knowledge is their best bet.

And, really, if Jensen just has to go to the café every day that week to help Jared organize their secret shenanigans, who are they hurting? It takes a lot of detailed planning to make sure that two terrified lesbians realize that they are perfect for each other. And if said planning consists mainly of Jared going on break to play footsie with Jensen in the corner table while mainlining coffee and fighting about the Spurs vs. the Mavs while trying not to blush at every inserted bit of innuendo? Totally not Jensen’s fault whatsoever. He’s an amazing friend, dammit.

“This guy better be super hot,” Danneel smirks, standing outside Jared’s front door when Saturday night finally arrives. “I totally could have been at home watching the’ Leverage’ marathon on TNT.”

Jensen grins back and goes to knock on the door. He can hear music coming from inside so he just hopes that someone hears him.

A girl with long dark hair and freckles beneath a California girl tan opens the door of the apartment half a second after Jensen knocks. She looks Jensen up and down with unabashedly appreciative eyes.

“Well, hello gorgeous,” she practically purrs, leaning up against the doorframe and flashing a bright white smile.

“So totally gay that it’s not even funny,” Danneel pipes in, pointing her thumb at Jensen with a shrug.

The girl sighs dramatically. “Of course he is. All the tall ones are part of Jared’s tribe.”

“Cindy, stop harassing my guests before they even get in the door,” Jared says with fond exasperation, coming up behind her and flinging an arm around her shoulders.

Cindy pouts and twists to clutch the lapels of his button up with both hands. “I swear the only guys at this party that don’t like dick are either 5’7” or Chad.”

“I think I just saw Brock drunk and vulnerable in the kitchen. Go get him while he’s still susceptible to your charm,” Jared grins, leaning down to nuzzle her nose with his own.

Cindy instead decides to take a nip at the bridge of his and pushes him off. She is, however, eyeing the kitchen with interest.

“You bit my nose!” Jared huffs, patting it gingerly.

“You deserved it, Padalecki!” she shouts over her shoulder before waltzing away with hips swaying.

Jensen stands there, realizing he has no clue what just happened. An equally stunned Danneel stands next to him, her mouth open in a quizzical “O”.

“So,” Jared blinks at them. “My friends are, um. Weird?”

“Then we’ll fit right in,” Danneel laughs happily, thrusting her hand out to him. “I’m Danneel, the best friend. And, holy shit, you are as hot as advertised.”

“Danni,” Jensen whines, covering his face in embarrassment. He peeks out from between his fingers though and is pleased to discover that Jared’s cheeks are just as pink as he imagines his own are.

Jared ushers them into the apartment, where a relatively large group of people are already mingling and dancing in the open living room space. The lights are dimmed low and atmospheric and Jensen pats himself on the back for telling Jared to make sure to arrange them like that.

It’s about forty minutes into their stay at the party when Danneel and Gen finally see each other. Under any other circumstances, the look of sheer terror on Danneel’s face would make Jensen gasp in hysterical laughter, but he and Jared have worked (or something) too hard for their plan to fail now.

“You son of a bitch!” Danneel hisses, twirling around to start hitting him. Jensen is just glad she didn’t bring one of her heavier purses this time.

Gen is about twenty feet across the room with a similar shocked face and is attempting to flee as usual, until Jared picks her up bodily and starts carrying her towards Danneel.

“Let me go, you ape!” Gen squeals, trying to squirm out of Jared’s grasp, but he’s got at least a foot and eighty pounds on her.

Jensen, meanwhile, is attempting to block Danneel from running from the house like a defensive lineman. Her lips are curled back in a snarl and she’s waving her purse like a weapon, but his arms are longer so she can’t get past him.

“Danni, calm down. This is a good thing, she totally likes you!” Jensen insists, as Danneel goes for the big guns and tries to crawl through his legs.

“How can she like me if Jared has to carry her over to me like a fucking war bride?” Danneel shrieks, smacking him on the shin with her purse from the floor where she’s attempting her get-away.

“Um, I do. I mean, totally like you,” a small, unsure voice comes from behind them.

Danneel freezes and turns around slowly, still on her knees. She looks up at Gen, who is dangling like a ragdoll in Jared’s arms, but also smiling shyly.

“Wow. I mean, I do, too. Like you,” Danneel replies, face flushed from both embarrassed relief and the exertion of hitting Jensen.

Jared unceremoniously drops Gen, who tumbles to the floor. Luckily she lands nearly on top of a beaming Danneel.

“Our work here is done,” Jared smirks, holding out his hand to Jensen. “Wanna go fuck now?”

“God, yes,” Jensen groans, grabbing Jared’s hand decisively and letting himself get dragged back to what is hopefully Jared’s bedroom.