tebtosca | FIC: If I Stopped Lying I'd Just Disappoint You 3/3 (Jared/Jensen)

If I Stopped Lying I'd Just Disappoint You (Part Three)

For spn_cinema

Jensen races the Impala down the pathway leading away from the mansion and heads toward where he thinks Jared will have gone. His blood is thrumming in his veins and he doesn’t understand it, doesn’t know why all he can think about is stopping Jared from leaving. It’s not like they won’t see each other in school the next day, but somehow Jared leaving this place means something too horribly monumental for him to think about. This house had come to represent their relationship, a place for them to cocoon themselves away from the gossip and the games and the lies. Jensen bites down on the inside of his cheek, the physical pain helping to dull the guilt that comes from realizing he was the creator of the very thing they were hiding from.

It shouldn’t matter to him, but it does, and he pushes back the question of what that means for another time when he can focus on his own mental mendacity.

He sees the car pulled off the side of the road in front of him and squeezes the wheel with a silent thanks to whatever managed to sideline Jared before he could leave Jensen completely.

Jensen stops the car and hops out, approaching Jared quickly. The driver is busy checking under the hood and Jared is leaning up against the passenger side door, hand scrubbing back and forth across his face.

“Jared!” he calls out, suddenly unsure.

Jared’s eyes widen as he approaches. “What are you doing here, Jensen?”

Jensen walks over to him and Jared stands up to his full height as a defense mechanism. “Why did you leave?”

Jared’s skin flushes slightly and he looks away. “I thought it would be best if I stayed with Chad for the rest of the semester. I don’t want you to think that you have to avoid your uncle’s house because of me.”

“Why would I want to avoid you, Jared?” Jensen murmurs, his hand coming up to tentatively touch Jared’s forearm crossed tightly against his chest.

Jared looks back at the driver, who is pointedly attempting to not look at them. He grabs Jensen by the shoulders and drags him back closer to the Impala. “Jensen, this is hard for me, okay? Last night was hard for me. I wanted to be with you and you pushed me away. Don’t you see how awkward that is?”

Jared’s voice is a harsh whisper and Jensen wants to smooth it back out again to the honey drawl. “Jared, I was going to come to you today. Tell you how sorry I was for leaving you like that. I wanted to tell you that I was scared.”

Jared swallows heavily. “Me too, Jensen. You scare the fuck out of me.”

Jensen touches his face, tenderly, in a way he’s probably never touched anyone before. “I want you, Jared. Just you. Only you. Let me make it up to you. Let me show you.”

Jared twists his fingers in Jensen’s rumpled shirt, closing his eyes and then opening them again. “I want to believe you, Jensen. I swear I do.”

“Then believe me.”

They look at each other, lost for a length of time that Jensen can’t begin to measure.

Jensen rests his forehead against Jared’s, his hand cradling his neck. “Let’s go somewhere, a hotel. Just us, no one else.”

Jared huffs a bit, but doesn’t move his head. “I’m not a hooker, Jensen.”

A smile twists Jensen’s mouth. “Nah, you’re too classy for that. I think they call them ‘escorts’ nowadays.”

Jared attempts a pout, but Jensen wipes it away with his tongue. Jared pushes into his mouth, teeth knocking and breath mingling. After a minute of standing there panting, Jared finally responds, “Let’s go.”

*********

Jensen’s had a lot of sex. Breasts full and ripe and aching nubs just sprung from puberty. Pretty boys who whine like puppies when he pushes into them and rough men who rub harsh stubble over the back of his neck as they fuck him. He is experienced. He’s proud of it, revels in it. His mouth and fingers and cock and ass are prizes he bestows on people because he can, because he wants to. He decides how and when and how much. He is never out of control, never unsure. Confidence burns inside of him like a birthright.

He recites all of this to himself as he stares down at Jared. The boy is lying naked on king-sized bed in the Waldorf Astoria, trembling like a newborn colt. Jensen feels overwhelmed suddenly and he’s not exactly sure why.

“Jensen,” Jared mumbles, his face suddenly unsure as Jensen pauses over him.

He never wants to see that look on Jared’s face again and it stirs him into action. Lowering himself until they are touching from lips to toes, Jensen claims his mouth. Jared moans into the kiss, his legs parting instinctively, letting Jensen sink deeper against him. Their naked cocks slide against each other and it’s like an electric current flows through them.

“Please, Jensen, I need…” Jared pleads, and Jensen’s not even sure he knows how to finish the sentence.

“I know, Jared, I know. I promise,” Jensen breathes back and he says it without knowing exactly what it is he’s promising.

They grind frantically against each other like the teenagers they are until Jensen pulls back, not wanting it to be over too quickly. He kisses down Jared’s torso as slow as molasses, tongue swirling over his pink nipples until they coil tight. He tugs them between his teeth just to hear Jared groan. He continues his path down, face rubbing on the edges of pubic hair, nose pressed against the sharp cut of his pelvis.

Jensen pushes his face farther down by Jared’s balls and takes in a deep breath, filling his nostrils with the scent. Jared mewls as he drags his tongue in one long swipe up his cock and Jensen shivers with the knowledge that he’s the very first person who’s ever seen or tasted or smelled this. He wants it to be so good, to be the thing Jared remembers at night when he’s lying alone in his bed or fondling himself in the shower. With that goal in his head, Jensen sinks down Jared’s cock in one swift movement, until the tip is touching the back of his throat.

“Holy fuck!” Jared yells, hips snapping up involuntarily. Jensen gags a tiny bit with that and Jared starts apologizing, his hands petting Jensen’s head.

Jensen laughs around the dick in his mouth and the vibrations drag another groan out of Jared. He continues on happily, spit dripping down his chin, hand working in tandem with little twisting motions. It doesn’t take long before come is flooding his mouth and he drinks it down like it’s fucking champagne at New Years.

He crawls back up Jared’s body and presses their lips together. He opens his mouth and works his tongue in, letting Jared taste himself. Jared sucks on his tongue like he’s starving and Jensen is almost too strung out to reach over to the supplies he’d put on the nightstand. The click of the lube bottle opening is almost too loud in the silence and Jared starts blinking nervously.

“Do you trust me?” Jensen murmurs into his mouth, slick fingers sliding between Jared’s thighs and hovering over his opening.

Jared relaxes then, his newly satisfied body sinking into the bed as he nods his head.

Jensen rubs his nose over the planes of Jared’s cheekbones, trying to soothe him as he presses the tip of one finger inside of him. Jared tenses again but Jensen whispers encouraging words and kisses his face as he keeps going up to the second knuckle. He pries Jared’s mouth open, tongue massaging, as his finger twists and rubs along his insides. It’s hot, so hot, and Jensen wants to sink into him so badly he thinks he might die from it.

One finger becomes two and then three when Jared starts fucking himself down on to Jensen’s hand. He finally pulls out and Jared squeals in protest like someone just kicked his dog.

Jensen pushes him gently on his side as he grabs the condom, ripping it open with his teeth and rolling it onto himself gingerly so he doesn’t come before even getting inside Jared.

“Wanna see you,” Jared insists, peering over his shoulder at Jensen behind him.

Jensen kisses the back of his neck, sweaty now with exertion. “It’ll be easier this way for the first time. Trust me, remember?”

Jared nods silently again as Jensen lines himself up and pushes slowly inside. They moan in unison as Jensen bottoms out.

“Jensen, god,” Jared pants, his eyes squeezed shut as he tries to adjust to the sensation. Jensen presses tightly against him from behind, spooning him, and stays absolutely still. He knows what it’s like, the burn, the feeling of fullness that is on the flipside of too much. After a moment Jared’s grip around his cock relaxes enough that he takes it as a sign to start moving. Before long they set up a rhythm and Jared throws his head back to let Jensen bite down on the long column of his throat. Their hands clutch together, pressing against Jared’s heart as Jensen pounds against his prostate.

Jared is coming untouched then, so suddenly that it startles Jensen into coming as well, filling the condom with a desperate shudder.

The only sound in the room is their heavy breathing as they come down from the high. Jensen wants to keep himself buried in Jared forever, to hold him, to keep him safe, to make him feel like he’s the most important person in the world.

“Thank you,” Jared says, and his voice is so earnest and full of love that it turns Jensen instantly nauseous. That voice deserves someone who understands what it means to care about someone other than himself. That voice deserves a better person than Jensen.

Jensen can’t bring himself to let go though. He presses himself even closer, seemingly impossible considering how they are connected. He closes his eyes and presses a kiss to the purpling bruise he bit into Jared’s shoulder, wishing he could erase the blatant mark of possession from someone that he doesn’t deserve to possess.

He’ll figure this out tomorrow. He’ll see Danneel and she’ll remind him of the game. Her voice will wash out Jared’s voice and he’ll remember who he is. He is powerful and strong and completely in control. He’s Jensen fucking Ackles.

A sense of calm fills him as he hears Jared snoring softly.

**********

“You should really learn to lock your door,” Jensen smirks, pushing into Danneel’s bedroom. He leans his body against the doorframe and stares at her lying prone on the bed. A lump shivers under the covers.

“Come out, come out, whoever you are” he sing-songs at the lump, as Danneel rolls her eyes.

“Fuck, Jake stop hiding like a child,” Danneel huffs, pulling the covers off of a mostly naked Jake Abel.

Jake jumps off the bed and starts hurriedly pulling on his clothes as Jensen glances back and forth from him to Danneel with amusement. Jensen stops him with one hand to his chest before he can run out and the boy is shocked into stillness.

Jensen traces one finger over Jake’s pouty bottom lip, pressing in the tip until his finger is slowly fucking against his tongue. He continues like that until Jake is bright red from the roots of his hair to the top of his ribs. With a wicked smile, Jensen withdraws his finger and shuts Jake’s mouth with his open palm. “Maybe next time,” he purrs and Jake runs out like he’s on fire.

Danneel is lounging back against her pillows with a practiced bored expression. “You have such bad timing, Jensen. I’d finally managed to teach the kid how to write the alphabet with his tongue.”

“Slumming again, I see,” Jensen tsks, crawling into bed with her and laying his head down on her admittedly ample bosom.

She changes the subject to more pressing matters, her voice light. “Speaking of slumming, I take it that you have news for me?”

Jensen pauses, part of him not wanting to give away what he and Jared shared. He pushes the thought away. “Mission accomplished.”

She slides her fingers through his hair and tilts his head back with a slight pull. “So I take it you’re here to claim your prize?”

Her body is warm against his, her breath sweet on his face. It’s all wrong.

Jensen pulls away quickly, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. “I’m a little tired, sorry. Maybe next time.”

He can practically feel the silence behind him as it stretches out for what seems like forever. Finally, she speaks, her voice like ice. “You’re in love with him.”

Jensen needs to deny it, needs to turn around and smash the words right back into her mouth. “It’s a bet, Danneel. Jared’s just a bet.”

She curls around him from behind, resting her head against his shoulder. “You don’t love me anymore, do you?” she whispers in his ear. She rubs her lips over the side of his neck and he flinches.

“That’s ridiculous, Danni,” he replies, his voice, like his body, tightly wound. She slides her hands around his waist and palms his cock through his pants.

“What do you think is going to happen with you and Jared? Think he’s going to come running out of the closet for you? Mister Macho Jock? Mister Chastity Ring? You’re a fucking legend in this school, Jensen, but for all the reasons that would make him run screaming from you. Yeah, he’s high on it now. Your mouth around his cock, your dick in his ass. I bet he begged you so pretty, didn’t he? Little whimpers when you fucked him? I love you Jensen, I bet he said, thank you Jensen.”

Her voice is low and dangerous and it makes him ache. “How do you know all that?”

“We’re the same person, Jensen. Two sides of the same coin. He doesn’t understand you like I do.” She runs her tongue up the side of his neck as she strokes him harder.

“I could be the kind of person he deserves. I could try.” His voice cracks and she chuckles into his hair. He doesn’t believe it any more than she does.

“Are you going to chance destroying your reputation on the off chance this miracle change happens? What about his reputation. You willing to make a bet on that?”

Jensen pushes her off, standing up and striding out of the room just so he can breathe again.

**********

“Jensen!” Jared beams as he pulls open the door of his room at Jeff’s house. His face is an unbearable mixture of glee and bashfulness and Jensen can’t decide whether he wants to kiss him or punch him.

Jared curls into him, pressing his face to Jensen’s neck to feel the thump of his jugular. His big hands are clutching Jensen’s shirt until Jensen slowly peels them away and steps inside the room.

Jared looks unsure then, but the dimples return in full force. He shakes himself like he had a bad thought but forced it away. Jensen wishes….well, Jensen wishes a lot of things.

“Jeff’s not here right now,” Jared grins, going over to stretch out on the bed. He holds out a hand to Jensen, willing him to come join him.

Jensen stays where he is, his face a mask. “Jared, I don’t think I can see you anymore.”

There it is. The first words are always the hardest. It’s easier to ignore the taste after the first bitter swallow.

A thousand different emotions flitter across Jared’s face as he jumps back up and moves towards Jensen. “Jensen, what are you talking about? Don’t be silly.”

“I wanted to fuck you Jared. Now that I have, I don’t think it’s worth much more of my time,” Jensen recites, voice a monotone.

Jared’s entire body is trembling. “Jensen, you’re scared. I understand, I do. But I love you. I wanted to say it last night, but I didn’t know how.”

“That’s nice, Jared. But sadly, how you feel is beyond my control.”

Jared moves to him, clutching him by the shoulders, trying to use his height as a weapon, but his shoulders are too slouched for it to work. “I don’t believe you, Jensen. You love me, I know you do. I felt it, I feel it now.”

“There is someone I love. And she is very special to me. She understands me. You don’t even know me.” Jensen’s eyes are closed and he lets Jared shake him like a ragdoll.

Jared pulls away suddenly like Jensen is on fire and lets out a deafening sob before rearing back and punching him in the face. Jensen keeps his eyes shut, letting Jared have this. Jensen deserves far worse than anything Jared could ever do to him.

He fingers his swollen jaw lightly and looks at Jared one last time. “I hope you find what you are looking for, Jared. I really do.”

“Fuck you, you son of a bitch! Get away from me. I can’t even look at you!” Jared screams, tears streaming down his face. Jensen has never seen a look of such anguish before and it makes him flinch. Turning around quickly, he leaves before he can do any more damage.

**********

“We really need to have a conversation about private space, Jensen,” Danneel says, coming into the room to find him sitting ramrod straight on the edge of her bed.

He schools his expression into one of nonchalance but his head is bursting. “I ended it with Jared.”

Something flickers over her face but he can’t quite place it. Surprise? Happiness? It’s only there for a second and then is gone. “Did you now? Why would you do that?”

His jaw clenches. “You know why.”

She walks over to him, fingering the bruise that had spread to half his cheek. “Looks like it didn’t go too well.”

“He was….devastated.”

The flicker again as her hand drops to her side. “Well, I’d love to chat but I have an appointment to get to.”

“Oh, you mean your little tryst with Jake? Yeah, I don’t think he’s going to be making that. You see, he’s currently about six inches deep in the lovely Miss McNiven in a suite at the Waldorf. I hear it’s a great place to celebrate young love.” Bile rises up in his throat but he keeps his voice steady.

She closes her eyes for a half second too long and it feels like a victory. “What do you want, Jensen?”

He stands up then and curls his arm forcefully around her waist. “I’m here to claim my prize. Right. Now.”

Danneel’s fingernails dig into the forearm that connects them and he holds back a hiss. “I don’t feel like it.”

His other arm comes forward as he slides both hands to her hips. “I don’t care what you feel like.”

Her face smooths out then, going from a snarl to placidity. She runs a thumb across his cheek and it comes back wet. He is crying and he doesn't even realize it. He drops his hands and goes over to the chaise.

“You love him, Jensen. You love him so fucking much you can barely see straight and yet you gave him up. You probably fucking destroyed him.”

His breath hitches and he shuts his eyes. Her words are like daggers and he lets them rip him apart. “Fine, go ahead and celebrate. You beat Jared, you won.”

She laughs then and the sound is light, clashing with the hostility in the air. “Oh, I won, that’s for sure. But it’s not Jared that I beat.”

Jensen opens his eyes then, staring at her with confusion. “What are you talking about?”

She doesn’t move because she doesn’t need to. Even standing five feet away it’s like she is reaching right into his chest and squeezing. “It’s you, Jensen. I beat you.”

Realization smashes directly into his head then and he can barely breathe past the nausea rising inside of him. He’s dizzy with guilt and regret and yet his mind has a clarity to it that it’s never had before. He stares at Danneel then, willing her to reassure him, to tell him that his entire existence is more than a pointless game of cunning and chance

Her mouth curls into a smile and he rushes past her, running out the door.

*********

Jensen presses his palm to Jeff’s front door. It’s late, a school night, and graduation is so close he can taste it. He could let it be. Accept the enormity of what he has become and try to live with it. Go back to Danneel and continue their path of enablement until one or both of them push too far and break. Take his trust fund and his perfect face and live a life of entitlement and greed and naked bodies like a million rich kids before him. If he knocks on the door he’s admitting that he doesn’t want that. That he’s sorry for the actions of this shell he’s become. That the world he thought he was king of was nothing more than an illusion created by children playacting adult fantasies. That he would be fine if the Jensen he presented to everyone ceased to exist.

He knocks on the door.

It takes a while for Jeff to open the door and when he does the look in his eyes tells Jensen instantly that he knows everything that happened between him and Jared. The sheer disappointment in them steals Jensen’s breath and he feels tears prickling at the backs of his eyes.

Jeff leans stiffly against the doorframe. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough, Jensen?”

Jensen chokes back a gasp at the harsh words said in such a weary, stoic voice. “Please, I need to see him. I need to tell him that I’m sorry.”

Jeff’s eyebrows shoot up at that. “Sorry, Jensen? Sorry? How could you saying sorry do anything more than rub salt in the wounds?”

It was like a knife in his gut. Jeff has always loved him, stood up for him, been proud of him when his own father didn’t even bother noticing where he was living half the time. He’s the last connection to Jensen’s mother and having that tainted with the realization of how vile Jensen is makes shame rise in him so fully that he thinks it will suffocate him.

“You’re right,” Jensen starts, throat seizing. “I’ve done so many things wrong that apologizing can’t even begin to atone for it. And knowing that you are finally seeing me for what I really am hurts me worse than anything I could ever imagine feeling. I don’t want you to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Jensen. I hate what you’ve become.”

Tears fall freely down Jensen’s cheeks now as he pulls a flash drive from his pocket. “This contains a record of everything I’ve ever done. I used to think that it would be something I could look back on with pride, when I was old and wanted to celebrate how fucking triumphant I was. Like I was special because I was better than everyone. Because I didn’t need anyone.” He pauses, looking at Jeff. “I’m not special at all and I can’t be this person anymore.”

He pushes the drive into Jeff’s hands, shaking as he realizes that it’s both his absolution and his suicide note. There can be no going back from the ugliness that will be revealed--to Jeff, to Jared, to everyone. “Tell Jared I love him. That he’s the only thing that ever felt real to me. That I wish I could spend the rest of my life proving that I’m worth him.”

Jeff’s eyes flash with alarm at the fatalism in Jensen’s voice as he continues. “But the boy on that drive doesn’t deserve him or anyone else. I’m sorry, Jeff. Tell him I’m sorry.”

“Jensen!” he calls out as Jensen runs down the steps.

**********

Danneel smoothes down her forest green graduation gown as she takes the podium, heels clacking, sleek auburn hair bouncing against her shoulders. She curls her perfectly manicured fingers around the sides of the wood and stares out at the mass of students and parents waiting for her to begin speaking. She pauses, breathes in the attention, then turns to the large sized photograph standing up next to the stand.

Jensen.

She swallows hard. Graduation day has arrived, finally, after everything, and instead of a coronation it’s become a requiem instead. Today was supposed to be the first day of their real lives and yet here she stands alone, the only person who saw every facet of her dead by his own hand. The betrayal is so keen that it feels like battery acid being poured down her throat.

She had loved him from the very first moment. Face so beautiful that she had been almost jealous of its elegance. Voice warm even when the words were sharp. A shared understanding that the only way to control the world was to create your own rules and then make everyone else live faithfully within them. A promise of a time when they could create something more, something deeper. Or so she had thought.

She hadn’t minded when he fucked both Matt and his mother in the same day because he thought going back to the Cohen house twice would be a waste of time. She had smiled proudly when he had devastated poor little Alona so badly she begged to be sent to boarding school in Switzerland. She had even been amused when he bent Ms. Gamble over that stupid mahogany desk she loved so much, just because he could. It was all a game, a merry-go-round of conquests and increasingly intricate deception. It was just a way to bide their time until they could graduate and consume the real world in all its liberating glory.

She had planned to give herself to him (and take all of him for herself) whether he won the bet or not. What would it matter that he fucked some idiotic virgin boy? How could that possibly mean as much to him as the past they had shared and the future they had yet to imagine? And yet something had happened to Jensen, something she couldn’t begin to comprehend, and she knew he was slipping away from her. So that’s when she knew what she had to do. She had to break him first. He needed to shatter into a million mirrored shards so she could sit on the floor and slowly glue him back together. And then when that was done he would do the same thing for her and they would look at each other through the cracks that they created and see nothing but a shared lifetime of pain and love.

She clears her throat. “Fellow students, parents, faculty members, it’s my honor to stand here today, not just as Winchester Prep’s valedictorian, but also as a representative of my family during this difficult time. I wish my brother Jensen was with us today, but I know he’s looking down on all of us proudly.”

There’s a commotion at the back of the auditorium and Danneel pauses. Her perfect brows furrow in confusion as she sees Genevieve start up the aisle with arms full of what look like bound notebooks. She starts passing them out to people towards the front before looking right at Danneel with dark, angry eyes. She spins around, only to see Julie behind her handing the same pages out to the faculty sitting on stage. A murmur goes up throughout the room as the guests start flipping through the pages.

Her face starts to heat up as she feels eyes boring into her and she grabs a notebook out of Julie’s hands just to see what the hell is going on. She gasps at what she sees.

It’s everything. All the games and the lies and the drugs and the sex right there in black and white for everyone to see. She flips furiously through the pages, her eyes blurring with hot tears when she realizes these are Jensen’s words, Jensen’s memories of their life together. The only thing she has left of him, of them, is bitter condemnation. Knowing that hurts so bad she feels her entire being ripping apart at the seams.

Headmaster Kripke grabs her wrist then, gesturing at the dainty gold charm bracelet she wears everyday, hung with three tiny hearts full of one bump of cocaine each. “Get your hands off me!” she hisses. “You’re in there too, you fucking pervert!”

He flushes straight across his balding head as she rushes down the steps of the stage. She’s going to run out of there, do a few lines, go home and roll around in Jensen’s bed until the scent of him is gone from his pillows and she can rip them apart with scissors and forget he ever existed. She’s stopped though, by the line of people blocking the aisle. She sees Genevieve looking at her with righteous indignation, one hand clutching delicately to a smug Tom Welling’s muscled forearm; Misha slumping in a chair nearby, the only one with genuine tears; Mrs. Harris Kane Manns Carlson Ackles’ delicately suited back already walking out the door without so much as an “Are you alright, darling?”

Tears fall freely down round porcelain cheeks, but she holds her head high. With a nod at the people judging her, she makes her way slowly out of the auditorium and begins planning how to live utterly on her own.

EPILOGUE

“About time you got here. I need a big strong man to help me push these beds together,” Jensen deadpans, stretching languidly out on the twin pressed alongside one wall of the dorm room.

Jared smiles from the doorway and for a minute it’s like all the sunshine in California has filtered right through his face. Jensen wants to stick his thumbs in those dimples and pull Jared’s lips right to his.

“Dean Smith, huh?” Jared reads off his student transcript, cocking one eyebrow as he dropped his bag next to the desk.

“It was the most provincial thing I could come up with on short notice,” Jensen smirks, sitting up and holding out his hand. Jared takes it and straddles him on the bed. The fit is tight and Jared is just a shade too heavy, but it makes the awkward pressure in Jensen’s chest evaporate almost immediately. Yes, they had made the right decision.

“I missed you,” Jared says, his voice soft, lips pressing against Jensen’s without intent.

“It’s only been a few weeks,” Jensen murmurs, but he understands. A summer spent hiding together in the south of France as Jared did “mission work” makes perception of time a lot more ambiguous.

Jared’s eyes turn sad then, and Jensen wants to kiss the expression right off his face. “Do you ever regret it? I mean, you’re a different person now. You have a different life.”

Jensen pauses, and tries to remember before. He remembers the night he showed up on his Uncle Jeff’s doorstep. He remembers the aching pain in his chest at the realization that he had destroyed the only thing good about his miserable life. He remembers thinking that all he wanted to do was kill Jensen Ackles, the boy who delighted in pain because he mistook it for joy. He remembers Jeff stopping him from running and devising a way to let him die. He remembers Jared forgiving him and allowing him to live again.

His breath catches in his throat at the memories. He can’t pretend that it didn’t hurt to think his father would rather have the sympathy of a dead son instead of the shame of a scandalized one. But the weight of Jared in his lap brings him back to this moment. Their new beginning. He smiles the dopiest grin he’d ever given and drags Jared to his mouth.

“I love you, Jared Padalecki,” he announces, firmly, without regret.

“I love you, Dean Smith,” Jared replies, trying to hold back a guffaw and failing miserably.

They tumble back onto a twin bed in a nondescript dorm room in Palo Alto, nothing to worry about except freshman English and whether or not it’s tacky to wear sandals. Jensen pushes Jared’s shirt up and places his lips against his abdomen. Jared’s breath releases on a sigh. Jensen smiles.

It’s enough.