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tebtoscaTitle: Mayhem and Rosey’s Almost-Not-Quite-Ultimately-Totally-Excellent Adventure
Characters: Chad Michael Murray and everyone who’s ever blinked on a CW show
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 6400
Warnings: CRACK. Including but not limited to genderswap, dinosaurs, conjoined twins, little people orgies, and copious drug use to explain the rest of this sentence
Disclaimer: If you think this is true, you need to step away from the internet
Summary: Never accept drugs from a mime
This was written for ![[info]](https://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=3){kind=small}
anyothergirl415 for her birthday! I promised her Chad-fic but I doubt she expected what this has become LOL. Check out the WEBSITE that ldyghst made HERE with the music mix she made (turn your speakers on!) as well as this fic and even more cracktastic art made by
fiercelynormal ! Special thanks to cha for alpha-reading as it went along (i.e. laughing at me and poor Chad lol)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIE!
PROLOGUE:
The first solar system from the left: A really, really long time from now
Chad’s dick twitches with excitement when he spots the pert little ass stuffed into silver spandex sway in front of him. The swish-swish of a perfect flaxen ponytail buzzes in his ears as the goddess skips down the hallway before starting to turn. Chad is almost close enough to get a hand on that tiny waist when one porcelain cheek dotted with freckles turns…wait, freckles?
“Ackles!” Chad gasps, his dick not understanding and flailing wildly. His eyes go straight to Jensen’s suddenly ample chest.
“Mayhem, stop staring at my boobs!” Jensen barks, his voice definitely higher than normal but still Demi Moore-in-GI-Jane enough to force Chad’s dick to make the executive decision to stand down.
It’s when Jared comes running up to them carrying what looks suspiciously like a lightsaber that Chad decides he’s never doing drugs again.
Yo Gabba Gabba Frat House: June 12th, Present Day
“Dude,” Chad Michael Murray (three names bitches, recognize!) announces his presence, flipping over the top of the couch and landing almost on Mike Rosenbaum’s (two names, bald and lame) lap.
Mike grunts as Chad’s foot smacks his right shoulder but remains still as he attempts to fill his second favorite bong. Mike’s first favorite one has been missing all week and sometimes Chad catches him staring into space sadly, obviously pining. “Just in time, fucker, what took you so long?”
Chad makes the universal sign of wanking and Mike stares at him like he’s already stoned. He probably is. Chad thinks it’s also possible that Rosey is a eunuch.
Chad starts palming his dick for emphasis and Mike blinks before turning back to his bong.
“Kane help you with that?” Mike inquires, corner of his mouth curling upwards smugly.
Chad frowns. What a random question. “Did you not have health class in school, Rosey? Would you like me to spell m-a-s-t-u-r-b-a-t-i-o-n for you so you can wiki it?”
Mike giggles, honest to god giggles, as he thrusts the bong towards him.
“I got this new shit from Edlund,” Mike smirks, eyebrows wiggling.
“Edlund? The creepy dude that dresses like a mime and hangs outside the 7-Eleven?” Chad asks with a wary expression.
“Yes?”
Chad shrugs and makes grabby hands at the bong. “Awesome.”
Fifteen minutes later Chad feels like that one time when he was five and he fell into the Padalecki’s pool and kind of flailed around underwater for what felt like forever before Jared’s dad pulled him out by the scruff of his neck. In other words, totally not good.
“Um, Rosey?”
Mike’s voice replies like it’s coming through a wind tunnel. “Gotta find it. This one doesn’t work. Gotta find it.”
Chad feels his own voice slurring as his eyelids sag. “Rosey, I don’t…feel…man…fucking…mimes….”
And then.
Part One:
The Wild Plains of Vancouver: A Hella Long Time Ago B.C.
“Warrrrrrrrhhhhh!”
Chad blinks his eyes as he is slowly pulled back to consciousness by a deep echoing sound.
“Waaaaaaaaarhhhhhh!”
He’s confronted by a giant sized version of Tom Welling’s face.
“God, bro, not now. I have such a headache. Fucking mimes and their spiked weed,” Chad grumbles, sitting up and brushing the dirt off his lap.
Wait….why is there dirt on his lap?
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaarhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Chad blinks again. And then squints up at Tom’s head. Which is huge. And not attached to his body. Or anybody’s body for that matter. Because Tom’s head is attached to a big fucking…
Chad screams and jumps up, karate-chopping the air around him in a valiant effort at fighting back at the Welling-esque creature in front of him. Which has wings.
“Waaaaaaaaaaarhhhhhhhhhhhhh?” Creature!Tom blinks back at him, looking confused by Chad’s slick ninja moves.
Chad realizes that any sudden movement might provoke Creature!Tom and stills enough to get a better look at him. Besides the face itself, the body looks strangely familiar....from a movie maybe? Yeah, that’s right, it was a movie. He and Rosey got really stoned on this awesome shit that they got from Aldis’ cousin who was visiting from Jamaica, then after stealing Jared’s Chunkey Monkey Ben & Jerry’s out of the fridge (oh man, did Padawack bitchface over that one!) they holed up on Kane’s bed (Chad’s sheets were still dirty from that tight little blonde that Chad still hopes was a freshman and not from the local high school because, dude, Chad is much too pretty for prison) and watched this epic Russian bootleg of some jacked up movie starring some rapper dude--Weezy, Breezy, Jiggy…no Coolio! Yeah, Coolio, that shit was hilarious.
“You’re a fucking pterodactyl!” Chad exclaims, half excited that he managed to work that out all by himself and half terrified because Tom Welling was a pterodactyl.
“Waaaaaaaaarhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
“Yeah, dude, waaaaaarhhhhh, heard you the first time.”
Pterodactyl!Tom looks at Chad and flutters his eyelashes. Chad looks back warily. Tom Welling, captain and quarterback of the football team and President of the Yo Gabba Gabba fraternity has always been the strong and silent type, but the waaaaaaarhhhhhhh thing is a little much.
Chad looks more intently at Tom, just to see if there are any dinosaurian changes to his face, besides the obvious attached-to-a-pterodactyl body thing. Nothing appears out of the ordinary though, and even Chad has to take a moment to appreciate the high cheekbones, dazzling blue eyes, and luscious, pouty mouth because Tom Welling is a remarkably attractive specimen of mankind.
Erm, or something.
“No homo!” Chad says out loud, just in case dinosaurs can read minds or shit.
“Sooooo homo,” Mike corrects, jumping out from behind a rock and wearing what appears to be a bear skin rug.
“Dude, you look like a bald Fred Flintstone,” Chad snorts. Making fun of Rosey is way more exciting then dealing with Jurassic football quarterbacks.
“I look marvelous,” Mike insists, doing a little shimmy as Chad rolls his eyes.
Pterodactyl!Tom flutters his eyelashes at Rosey, who blushes to the roots of his…nothing, because he’s bald. But his head gets really red and shiny. Chad snickers.
“Stop your lame flirting with the pterodactyl and explain what the fuck is going on, because seriously dude, seriously,” Chad flails.
Mike manages to drag his eyes away from Pterodactyl!Tom and shrugs nonchalantly like they haven’t been beamed back million of years and confronted by a mutated dinosaur creature with the head of their frat president. “We need to find the thing.”
Chad is confused, which isn’t altogether unique but he thinks it’s justified in this case. “Find what thing?.”
“The thing!” Mike repeats with emphasis added by wiggling his eyebrows.
“Rosey, I’m gonna fucking kil----“ Chad is cut off.
“Waaaaaaarhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
“Yes, Tommy, we get it, waarrrrrrrrrh,” Chad snaps but Pterodactyl!Tom is gesturing frantically behind Mike.
“Waaaaaaaarhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Chad and Mike turn around and see what Tom is staring at. An apparently angry T-Rex is heading straight for them and Mike makes a sound that could only mean his balls have receded into his body.
“Holy shit, is that Ostroff?” Chad squeaks, as the T-Rex comes close enough to see that it has the head of the Dean of their school. He cocks his head “Hmm, never seen a blonde dinosaur before.”
Mike stares at him. “Have you seen many dinosaurs?”
Chad cocks his head at Pterodactyl!Tom, who is hopping up and down and flapping his wings in a highly masculine manner.
“I think he’s actually a flying reptile, not a dinosaur,” Mike corrects, rubbing his chin wisely.
“Ah okay, my bad,” Chad nods and they do an elaborate fistbump/high-five combination.
A decidedly more frantic “waaaaaarhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” breaks them out of their reverie and reminds them that a very hungry blonde T-Rex is coming to eat them. Without thinking about how bad of an idea it could end up being, Chad starts climbing onto Tom’s back and pulling Mike along side him.
“Hold on,” Chad yells back at him and Mike flushes again as he straddles Tom’s pterodactylian back.
“Dude,” Chad side-eyes him as Mike starts rubbing little circles in the skin of Tom’s left wing.
“Waaaaaaarhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
“He likes it!” Mike protests, but stops rubbing.
Pterodactyl!Tom shakes them a bit in warning before starting to run. Chad and Mike start shrieking when they see Ostroff-Rex’s teeth coming close to chomping them, but before she can reach them Tom flies off. Chad and Mike shriek again when they realize they are flying. On Tom Welling’s back.
It takes all of three minutes for Chad to start enjoying himself and he holds out arms in an pretty damn good impersonation of Superman, if he does say so himself. Mike, meanwhile, has managed to scoot himself back far enough so that he’s lying face down as he clutches Tom’s back. Chad fears that there is humping going on, but he’s respectful enough to let Rosey have his fun. He will eventually make fun of him in ways that he could never even fathom, but that’s for later, after they are back in the frat house and not surrounded by angry blonde dinosaurs and pretty boy reptile creatures.
They finally land in front of a cave and when Chad hops down his legs are so spread out from riding him that he looks as bowlegged as Ackles. Rosey is still attached and Tom shimmies his butt a little to force him off.
“Thanks dude, you totally saved our asses,” Chad says, reaching up to pat Tom on the nose. Tom doesn’t seem to appreciate that but refrains from waaarrrrrrrrrhing at him.
Suddenly a loud roaring sound rushes through them and before he knows it, a boulder is smashing into Chad’s head and knocking him out. Right before darkness totally consumes him, he hears Rosey hollering “Dammit Mayhem, we have to find the thing!”
Part 2:
An Island Nation Not At All Resembling Anything Written By Jonathan Swift: Early 18th Century
Chad wakes up and attempts more kung-fu just in case any more dinosaurs are in the vicinity but he finds he can’t move his arms. Or his legs. Ah, at least he can twitch his dick if he concentrates hard enough. That’s something.
While Chad is working on operating his genitals, he doesn’t notice a very small man climb up his arm to rest on his chest. He does feel it, however, when the man starts tickling his chin.
“What the—“ Chad sputters and cranes his neck to see a six inch version of Aldis Hodge grinning back at him.
“Hello there, traveler!” Mini-Aldis chimes in, giving a little wave with his little hand.
Chad squints to try to see him better. “Aldis? Dude, are the dinosaurs gone?? And where the hell is Rosey? I swear he threw a rock at my head, the bald sonovabitch!”
Aldis tilts his head like he’s confused that Chad knows his name. “I don’t know any Rosey, good traveler, but if he is as large as you then he is most likely tied up somewhere as well.”
Chad snorts. “Rosey wishes he was as large as me,“ he insists, wiggling his dick in what he hopes is a lascivious manner.
Aldis almost loses his balance as Chad’s body moves and looks up at him skeptically before running down Chad’s arm and disappearing.
Chad finds it in himself to be mildly offended, until he realizes that there are probably more important things to worry about now, like being tied to the ground and held hostage by little people.
“Ok, Murray, think, how do you get out of this,” Chad mutters to himself but then starts squirming when the feel of little feet over his abdomen starts tickling him.
“Hello there, traveler!” another little person squeaks, and Chad cranes his now-sore neck one more time to see another bite-sized frat brother staring back at him.
“J-Manns? Didn’t you graduate like three years ago? You’re in your thirties dude, move on,” Chad starts, before realizing that the little guy balancing on his chest like a surf board probably isn’t exactly the same Jason he knows from school.
“Look, traveler, I can help you out!” Mini-Manns offers and Chad perks up immediately. “It will only cost you a wee ten pence.”
Yeah, he’s totally the same Jason that he knows from school. “Get off me, Manns, you freeloader!”
Jason shrugs and scurries back down the way he came.
Chad’s head flops back to the ground and he attempts to block out the tinny sound of voices coming from the ground below him. If he can just work out how this is familiar he can figure out how to get out. OK there was that one book that Padawack did a report on in 10th grade, what was that one about? There were the midgets and the boat and the big dude was tied down and there was a shipwreck…..GILLIGAN! That’s it, “Gilligan’s Travels.” Chad wiggles his dick again as that smart feeling rushes over him.
“I can feel you thinking,” Mike drawls and it takes a moment for him to realize that Rosey is balancing on his ear.
“Ah fuck man, you’re a midget too?” Chad groans.
“Hey, I’m vertically challenged, stop being such a douche!” Mike huffs, before climbing over Chad’s face to sit on his forehead.
“Really, Rosey, really?” Chad hisses as Mike kicks him in the eye.
“Shush fuckface, I have a plan to find the thing,” Mike insists, lying back to balance on his elbows right at the edge of Chad’s hairline.
“You know, when this is all said and done, I’m going to kill you. I’ll make sure to kill the mime first, but right after that you’re dead. Padawack will totally help me hide the body or I’ll tell his mom that he blew his cousin in ninth grade.” Chad pauses. “Hmm, probably shouldn’t have given that one away.”
Mike snorts and kicks him again.
Before Mike can launch into his grand scheme to get back whatever the fuck it was they were supposed to be looking for, Chad feels the ropes holding down his left hand snap and he’s able to wiggle his fingers. Before long, all the ropes are loosened and he is able to sit up. Rosey slides down his nose with a squeal, but Chad is merciful and catches him before he can break any bones. Chad wants him in one piece when he kills him.
A tiny-sized Christian Kane is standing in front of him, arms crossed against his chest and a smirk planted firmly on his face. Chad has never been happier in his life to see someone, even if Kane is even smaller than he normally is.
“Kane, dude, thank God. Help us find the thing so you can be big-ish again and I can go kill the mime,” Chad exclaims as Mike groans from the fact that Chad is waving him in the air as he flails his arms.
Kane looks at him with trepidation. Chad isn’t sure if Kane even recognizes him, which hurts somewhere deep down in Chad’s poor soul. The soul that he totally has, no matter what Ackles tries to tell people.
“Come with me, traveler,” Kane says and points towards something in the distance.
Chad squints even harder and makes out what looks like a building that could be an exact replica of the school for ants in “Zoolander.” Rosey is nodding in agreement and it is Kane leading them, so Chad relents and they head off towards the structure.
Kane leads them into an open courtyard beyond the structure, where dozens of fellow little people are kneeling reverently in front of a Barbie-funhouse-sized throne. Which Chad wouldn’t know anything about except for the fact that Padawack’s little sister Megan had one and there might have been a time when he wanted to be Ken and thought Barbie was hot but Skipper was hotter even though she was totally too young for Ken and…
Chad coughs.
“Emperor Carlson, I bring you the traveler,” Kane announces, gesturing towards Chad. “And his servant,” he continues, waving at Rosey, who scowls with disdain as Chad cracks up.
Chad stops laughing long enough to check out the slightly larger (by an inch or two) guy sitting on the Barbie throne. Lo and behold, it’s Steve, the guy who runs the country bar that Kane likes to drag them to on Saturday nights.
“Sup, Steve,” Chad smirks, but Steve’s little doppelganger doesn’t like the familiarity.
“That is Emperor Carlson to you, traveler,” Steve corrects and Chad holds up his huge hands in apology. “What is your name?”
Chad peers way down at Rosey, who just shrugs. “Um, Gilligan, your highness.”
Emperor Steve seems to be pleased by that and nods wisely. “Very well, Sir Gilligan. Welcome to the Isle of Honky-Tonk. You will help us fight the scourge of the lands in the North with your great and impressive size—“ Chad preens at that “---and I will make sure you are pleased in ways you couldn’t begin to imagine.”
Chad glances down at Kane at that, who is looking at him with that damn smirk again. Mike starts hitting his ankle to get his attention and yells up at him “What about the thing! We have to find the thing!”
Chad is getting tired of Rosey’s thing, and kicks him off, only laughing a little bit when Rosey ends up facedown in the grass of the courtyard. A tiny brunette HonkyTonker, who looks suspiciously like Kristin from the Starbucks near the frat house, helps him up with a coy smile and Chad figures Rosey will be busy for a while.
“Emperor Steve-o, my man, you have yourself a deal,” Chad winks, not knowing even remotely what he’s agreeing to but figuring he’ll worry about it later. He is great and impressive, after all, they must like him.
With the deal made, Kane leads Chad to another building resembling a barn, with high enough ceilings that it makes Chad think that maybe they’ve gotten other great and impressive people in here before. He feels a little jealous when he thinks about it and starts pouting. Kane seems to notice and starts cackling. Without saying another word, however, he leaves Chad there.
It’s getting dark outside and Chad figures he’ll make the best of it for the night. There are cushions strewn around the room and a table with miniature but delicious looking food on it, so he starts munching happily and lays back to take a quickie nap. Smoking bad mime weed then getting chased by blonde dinosaurs and getting hit on the head by a boulder before becoming a giant really takes a lot out of guy.
Just as he’s about to drift off to sleep the door open and in walks Danneel Harris and Sophia Bush, i.e. the Co-Presidents of the One Tree Hill Sorority aka the Hottest Chicks That Ever Existed. Chad drops his mini-turkey leg on the ground and meeps a little.
Danneel waves at him, demurely tossing a lock of auburn hair over one luscious shoulder. Sophia wraps an arm around her waist and nuzzles Danneel’s neck as she stares directly at Chad. Danneel purrs and rubs herself against Sophia like she’s in heat.
So this might be Chad Michael Murray’s greatest fantasy. Ok, maybe in his greatest fantasy Danneel and Sophia aren’t six inches tall and from a race of wacky islanders from the 18th century, but horny beggars can’t be choosers.
Without any further hesitation, the girls start pulling off their sarongs and licking each other, hissing like alley cats as Sophia’s tongue ends up in one of Danneel’s orifices, and vice versa. Chad has watched a lot of lesbian porn (seriously only Padawack and Ackles are gay enough to turn down a viewing of “Susie’s Sensational Strap-on”) but it’s nothing compared to how far Sophia manages to get her arm up Danneel’s cervix.
Chad pulls his zipper down with a groan and pulls out his dick. After all, they are going at it like horny rabbits in front of him, they aren’t going mind a little participation, right? With a rush of unending glee, Chad realizes that this is probably what Emperor Steve meant when he said they were going to please him.
Suddenly he feels something tickling his balls and is almost too scared to look down in case Rosey has something to do with it. Luckily, it’s just Christian Kane climbing up to bodily ride his dick.
Wait—Kane is climbing his dick?
Wait—luckily??
Chad is perturbed to realize that Kane’s limbs are hanging off the sides of his dick. He’s a grower dammit! But it’s hard to concentrate on growing when a midget in a cowboy hat is attaching himself to his most precious body part.
Chad swears he’s just about to ask Kane what the hell he is doing, but then he starts doing these teeny tiny little kitten licks on the slit of his cock and Chad’s vocal cords are paralyzed. Chad tries to keep his eyes on the girls, who are now 69-ing like the numbers will go out of style if they don’t do it fast enough, but he can’t resist peering down at Kane and his flannel shirt and denim and cowboy boots humping his entire dick frantically.
“OHGODHOLYFUCKWHATTHEFUCKINGMIMES!” Chad shrieks as he comes all over himself, Kane, the girls, and the mini turkey leg.
Danneel giggles as she licks Chad’s come off of Sophia’s thigh.
Chad groans and then promptly blacks out.
Part 3:
Misha’s Magical Minions Freak Show: Coney Island 1940
“Hurry, hurry, step this way! Freaks from the four corners of the world!”
Chad startles awake when he realizes a ten year old hooligan slobbering over a candy apple is kicking him in the ribs.
“Get the fuck offa me, you little brat!” he snarls and the hooligan’s mother covers his ears and drags him off.
Chad blinks a few times to adjust to the daylight again and looks over at the guy with the megaphone yelling to the gathering crowd. He shakes his head when he realizes the carnival barker is Professor Collins, the head of the Anthropology department. As if this day couldn’t get any weirder.
“The thing has to be in there,“ Mike announces from behind him as he licks cotton candy off his fingers.
“In the freak show?” Chad asks and Mike nods in confirmation. They head over to Professor Collins, who lowers the megaphone and peers down at them.
“Why hello there gentlemen! Are you ready to be amazed at Misha’s Magical Minions? Are you ready to explore things that your mind could never begin to conceive?” Professor Collins says with grandiose flair, his eyebrows dancing on his forehead.
“Have you ever been chased by a blonde dinosaur or been ridden by midget cowboy?” Chad shoots back and Collins has the decency to look momentarily confused.
“Exactly,” Chad nods and steals some of Rosey’s cotton candy.
Collins recovers nicely and holds the megaphone up to his mouth again. “Come one, come all! That means you two, get in there.”
Chad and Mike enter the freak show tent and wade through the people gawking at the different exhibits. With a frown, Chad points over at a sign that says “Morgana, the Bearded Lady” and looks back at Mike, who is looking back with astonishment.
“No way, it can’t be, “ Chad murmurs, running over and staring at Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the coach of the football team and a man so macho that the sheer sight of his facial hair almost made Padawack hold a bonfire for all his pink shirts.
“Coach Morgan, what the hell,” Chad exclaims, and Morgan turns to him.
“Oh hello,” Coach Morgan purrs, stroking his beard.
“But dude, you’re a dude. Not a chick,” Chad insists. If the sheer testosterone fueled virility of Coach Morgan is in question then the world has surely gone mad. Not that Tom Welling the Pterodactyl and Steve Carlson as a midget emperor didn’t already point in that direction, but you know.
“Would you like to see my vagina?” Morgan asks, totally masculine eyebrow cocked in defiance.
“No!”
“No?”
“Yes?”
“Yes.”
“….ok maybe.”
“That’ll do.”
“Chad!”Mike breaks through their dialogue, rolling his eyes with exasperation. “Come on, the thing has to be here somewhere! Stop perving on Coach Morgan’s vag.”
Ok, so Chad blushes at that but he can’t help it! Coach Morgan should just not have a vagina, it’s against god and nature and dinosaurs and midgets and shit.
“It’ll still be here when you get back, big boy,” Morgan winks as Mike pushes Chad to the next exhibit.
Misha pops up behind them suddenly. “Would you like to see The Most Handsome Man in the World?”
Chad glances back at him and smirks. “Do you have a mirror handy?”
Misha rolls his eyes and points at a flexing Greek god of masculinity standing half naked and oiled on a pedestal with pursed lips, preening into the distance. “Behold! A man so handsome that grown women have wept and swooned before passing out at his feet!”
“That’s Matt Cohen, your geek boy TA. How the hell is he the most handsome man in the world? He wears a bow tie everyday for god’s sake,” Chad scoffs. He sees the corner of Matt’s pursed mouth tremble slightly but he remains still and posed like a peacock.
“He’s looking pretty swoon-worthy, to be honest,” Mike says, cocking his head to the side to get another angle. He stuffs cotton candy into his mouth and chews thoughtfully.
Misha ignores Chad’s protests and turns him around to another exhibit, where a pair of Siamese twins is being gawked at by two suspiciously wide-eyed men in fedoras. Upon further inspection the twins prove to be Gen and Sandy, the hipster intellectual sisters from Brooklyn that had somehow managed to double team Padawack freshman year before he went totally gayface for Ackles. Chad sighs at the memory of Jared crying over how he didn’t want to “hurt the girls” but that he “just wanted cock” and “why won’t Jensen let me fuck his face?” and blah-blah-blah. His best friend was an ungrateful fucking asshole who didn’t appreciate a good incestuous threesome when it was handed to him.
“The thing, it’s gotta be there!” Mike whispers, smacking Chad on the arm and pointing under the girls’ shared skirt.
“How do you know that? I can’t just climb up and check under their clothes!” Chad hisses, trying to keep his voice low enough that Misha doesn’t know what they’re up to.
“Yes, you can! Go now, c’mon!” Mike insists as the men around the exhibit leave and the coast is clear. He pushes Chad towards them.
“Ladies,” Chad puts on his most charming grin. Sandy and Gen look back at him with matching unamused expressions.
“So, I just have to look under your skirt ok, it’ll take a second, ok thanks,” Chad mumbles out in one long breath as he jumps up on their pedestal and starts pulling at their velveteen skirt.
“Help! Help!” they scream in unison and Chad tries to shush them and grope under their petticoats at the same time.
“Fuck,” Chad grumbles as he feels a hairy hand clamping the back of his neck. He twists slightly and sees Coach Morgan shaking his head two seconds before a fist connects with his cheekbone and he’s out one more time.
Part 4:
The first solar system from the left: A really, really long time from now & a few minutes after that
“Fucking hell Ackles, how are you a girl?” Chad whispers harshly to Jensen as they hide behind a wall from something Chad has no clue about.
Jensen points to the thing around his wrist that looks like a white plastic SWATCH watch and looks at Chad like he’s a moron. Otherwise known as how he usually looks at Chad. “Intergalactic Gender Neutralizer, duh.”
Chad pauses a moment as he imagines Kane with Danneel’s tits. Hmmm.
Jensen hits him in the back of his head.
“Ow, you dick!” Chad rubs at what’s sure to be a lump, even if Jensen does hit like a girl. Chad snorts at how literal that is now and Jensen shoots him a death glare. Chad ignores him and sets his attention on Jared. Chad takes in what he’s wearing and his eyes get huge.
“Oh man, Padawack, look at you wearing that vest…you finally got to be Han Solo! You dreamed about that shit since we were six!” Chad crows, but then looks confused. “But you’re carrying a lightsaber dude, why are you carrying a lightsaber?”
Jared looks at him strangely. “What’s a lightsaber? This is my Glow-in-the-Dark Pogostick.” With that announcement he flips it around and starts hopping around the corridor.
“Hey, shouldn’t that make you Princess Leia? Where are your buns?” Chad demands.
“What’s wrong with my buns??” Jensen pouts, turning around and clutching silver spandex in both hands.
Chad’s dick can’t help itself as it waves at Jensen’s ass.
Mike pops out suddenly, wearing a gold bikini and a long braid clutching his bald head.
“Of course,” Chad sneers, and his dick stands down.
“So did you find the thing?” Mike asks, ignoring his disdain.
Jared cuts them off. “We have to get out of here now! Clif’s goons will be here any second and we can’t let them catch us or Jensen will be enslaved and I’ll be dead!”
“That dirty 600-year-old crime lord slug creature alien bastard,” Jensen sobs a bit as Jared pets him.
Chad and Mike exchange a glance and shrug. Chad hopes that Padawack and Ackles don’t start going at it right there in front of them, although it might be hot with Jensen’s new tits.
Mike snaps his fingers. “Wait! Do you mean Clif from the desert planet Kosterman?”
Chad’s head jerks in surprise. Kosterman is the head of campus security and scourge of Chad’s existence ever since he turned him in to Dean Ostroff for getting drunk and passing out in front of Winchester Hall in nothing but a thong and a tiara. Fucking pig!
“Yes, that’s him, how do you know him?” Jared demands, looking at Mike warily like he just admitted to being a spy.
Mike holds up his hands to calm him down. “Hey, we’re not working for him, calm down. He has our thing! The thing we’re looking for!”
Jensen snorts. “Trust me, you don’t want to go anywhere near Clif. I just escaped from where he chained me to the floating radiator that he has follow him whenever he manages to slither somewhere.”
Mike shakes his head violently. “No, we have to go back, we have to get the thing! He has it, I know he does!”
Jared and Jensen look at each other and then back at Mike and Chad. “Fine,” Jensen sighs.
“Thank you so much!” Mike squeals, and jumps on Jensen. His gold bikini top starts rubbing against Jensen’s silver spandexed cleavage and Jared growls until Rosey backs off.
“It was worth a shot,” Mike mumbles and starts pulling Chad down the hallway.
Twenty minutes and three epic battles against Clif’s fierce corral of bodyguards later, the foursome bust into the inner sanctum where the Crime Lord himself sits like a toad.
“Whoa dude, you gotta lay off the donuts,” Chad throws out helpfully.
Clif leers at Jensen, who attempts to cover his boobs with his hands. Jared nervously pogos around the doorway. Rosey twirls his braid around his finger. With a sigh, Chad realizes it’s up to him to save the day.
“I think you have something of ours, Clif,” Chad announces with what feels like a deep sense of heroism and masculinity.
“Is that right?” Clif sneers, looking Chad up and down.
“Is that right?” Chad mutters to Mike out of the side of his mouth and Rosey nods frantically.
“That’s right!” Chad replies loudly.
“Well then, come and get it,” Clif challenges, patting his floating radiator as Jensen squeaks and shivers.
“Don’t do it, man, it’s not worth it!” Jared insists, grabbing Chad by the shoulders and shaking him.
“Do it, man, it’s totally worth it!” Mike contradicts, pulling Chad out of Jared’s grasp and shaking him again.
“Whoa dudes, getting dizzy here,” Chad grumbles, smacking them all off. He eyes Clif’s putrid-looking rolls of flesh and takes a deep breath before running over to him and diving at him. Just as he’s about to grasp the thing, he hears voices frantically calling his name….
Epilogue:
Yo Gabba Gabba Frat House: June 12th, Present Day but Later
“Mayhem, move your ass! I found it!”
Chad moans as his head starts pounding and then grunts as he falls halfway off the couch in the frat house living room that he had been sitting on before the mime weed had sent him on that really bad trip.
Mike is rooting around the couch cushions frantically, eyes still half lidded with the effects of the drugs. Chad smacks Mike’s hand away from where it’s moving around his thigh and kicks out until one sneaker connects with Mike’s right ear.
“Oof!” they shout in unison as Chad falls fully off the couch, face first, and Mike rubs his head sullenly.
“You are such an idiot,” Jensen’s voice intones from somewhere in the direction of the recliner behind him.
“Well at least I don’t have boobs, Ackles!” Chad huffs back, rolling around until he can grab Jensen by the ankle.
“What the fuck are you talking about, Mayhem, you fucking douchewad,” Jensen growls, attempting to kick at a still prone Chad, but he’s too quick and he manages to pull Jensen down to the floor with him as Jensen yelps.
They start slapping at each other with fierce competitiveness and just as Chad is going to land the final ninja death blow to Jensen’s smug freckled face, Jared’s voice rings out from the doorway.
“Jensen! My dick is not going to suck itself!”
Jensen gets one last smack to Chad’s forehead (damn Padawack, distracting him!) and then salutes him. “Later, losers,” he smirks before skipping down the hallway.
“Yeah, yeah, take your gay somewhere else!” Chad yells after him, but it’s half-hearted because of the pounding in his head and the fact that he’s still lying on the puke green carpeting that has seen one too many frat parties.
“Ah-ha! Here it is! Oh baby, never leave me again,” Mike croons, cradling his formerly missing first favorite bong, which he just rescued from beneath the far left corner of the couch beneath a cushion, an empty Halo 3 case, a pair of Chad’s dirty boxers (what? Laundry is hard!) and a copy of Busty Asian Beauties.
Chad stares at him, stumped. “That’s what we were looking for the whole time? Your bong?”
Rosey looks at him strangely. “Dude, looking when? You’ve been passed out for the last hour. Fucking Edlund gave us some crazy shit.”
Chad gasps. That’s right, he has to kill the mime! He groans again, because he’s tired and cranky and mime-killing is way too much effort right now. Maybe in the morning after he’s forced Rosey to make him chocolate chip pancakes for feeding him bad drugs. That brings a contented sigh to his lips and he waves goodnight to Rosey before heading to his room to sleep.
Chad pauses right outside his and Kane’s door. He really hopes Kane isn’t there because, hello, awkward. Too tired to be that weirded out by his hallucinogenic gay encounter with his roommate, he pushes open the door and steps inside.
“Oooooh Danni, yeah, you’re so fucking hot, I just want to lick you everywhere.”
Chad steps back outside, shuts the door again and stares at the wood. Huh. He doesn’t think he’s still stoned. One more try. He opens the door.
“Oh god, Soph, that’s it, finger me baby, fuck me hard, yeah, one more, add one more.”
Chad gulps and closes his eyes. Counts to three. Opens them again.
Yup, Sophia Bush is still eating out Danneel Harris on his bed.
And they are full-sized! Chad almost faints.
“Hey, Chad,” Sophia says, but it comes out more like “eh thath” because her tongue is shoved against Danneel’s clit.
“Waaarrrrrhhhhhhhhhhh,” Chad says and Danneel giggles. Wow, the chick speaks pterodactyl, who knew?
“Um, I’m just gonna, erm, sit right over here and jack off,” Chad says quickly, hopping on Kane’s bed and ripping off his jeans and boxers in one movement.
The girls go back to ignoring him and that’s completely fine with him. He can’t find the right angle to watch and strip his cock at the same time, so he bends over at the waist just so...and then yelps as a cold, wet finger sticks itself right up his ass.
His jaw drops when he looks over his shoulder where he’s contorted and gets met with a wink from Chris Kane.
“God dude, you need to stop sneaking up on me like that!” Chad scolds, but leans back into the finger because, well, it’s not that bad, and he doesn’t want to be rude or anything—ah shit, that’s two fingers. Oh man, three.
Oh, that’s definitely not a finger.
Chad tries to focus on the girls and he’s doing a pretty damn good job of it until Kane starts ramming his dick against some magical, mystical place inside of him and if everyone in the room wasn’t normal sized he might actually think he’s still high on fucked up mime weed.
Kane is biting all over his back and neck and Chad is moaning like a porn star and holy shit, chocolate chip pancakes are not going to make tomorrow morning any less weird or, fuck, right there, absolutely amazing, because holy fuck hell damn mimes god damn cowboy midget dick so good oh fuck---
“Magic cock!” Chad cries out as he comes all over Kane’s sheets, and, well shit, did he really say that out loud?
Chris snorts from behind him but the rhythm of his hips doesn’t even stutter. Sophia giggles and then chokes as pussy juice goes down the wrong pipe. Danneel pats her on the back helpfully.
Chad collapses to the bed and thinks to himself that if this is how he’s going to end every day then maybe he needs to get Edlund’s number instead of killing him.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-06-12 06:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-12 07:46 pm (UTC)Mmmmhmmm.
I kind of don't know where to begin, since I write all ~serious and ~schmoopy, this level of crack blows my fangirl brains. Which is why you, my lovelies, are so ultimately superior.
THE ART. THE MUSIC. THE TINY SKEEVE SITTING ON A BARBIE DOLL THRONE!!! I'ma PDF this bitch and read it next time I'm intoxicated. And how!
<33333 LOVE YOU LOT!!!
no subject
Date: 2011-06-12 10:03 pm (UTC)And yes, my co-conspirators are all amazing and the website makes it much more awesome.
I'm going to write everything Chad POV from now on.
Rufus gen? FROM CHAD POV.
J2 schmoop? FROM CHAD POV.
Sam/Dean dubcon sex pollen kinkmeme fills? FROM CHAD POV.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-13 12:00 am (UTC)yes, please do that, because it kind of sounds epic. Introspect of Meg the demon, CHAD POV!
no subject
Date: 2011-06-12 08:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-12 10:04 pm (UTC)Thanks so much for being awesome, Megan :DDDDDDD
no subject
Date: 2011-06-12 10:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-12 09:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-15 03:00 am (UTC)absolutely amazing, because holy fuck hell damn mimes god damn cowboy midget dick so good oh fuck---
I burst out laughing like a crazy person right there.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-15 03:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-15 07:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-15 03:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-24 12:14 am (UTC)Okay, I'm dying right now, just so you know. YOU ARE TO BLAME.
“Oh hello,” Coach Morgan purrs, stroking his beard.
HELLO THERE, BEAUTIFUL IMAGE. AND THE PICTURES, OMG WHAT.
<333333
no subject
Date: 2011-06-24 12:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-13 02:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-13 04:57 pm (UTC)<333
no subject
Date: 2013-07-14 02:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-14 02:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-15 01:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-15 01:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-15 04:01 am (UTC)You are one twisted lady and I luuuurrrrv you.
:)
no subject
Date: 2013-07-15 05:41 pm (UTC)Ha, I am a twisted soul, but I like it :P
no subject
Date: 2013-07-19 07:30 pm (UTC)“Dude,” Chad Michael Murray (three names bitches, recognize!) announces his presence, flipping over the top of the couch and landing almost on Mike Rosenbaum’s (two names, bald and lame) lap.
BWAHAAHAAAHAA!
no subject
Date: 2013-07-20 02:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-01 11:43 pm (UTC)